I was in the hospital again.....they took me off my meds, decided I am not bipolar after all probably. I am home again, with the same pain and fear......every time it has been harder to come home. I cannot even begin to explain how hard it is and how much I know things will not ever be as they were before.....I can't unknow or undo the things that I know and the things that have happened...
No, money should not be my god. I know that. Yet I also live in fear of simply not being able to clothe/feed the kids or meet their needs. I would like to simply be able to feel secure in that......but I do not. I feel even less so now because I see this morning that my own struggle this summer, the hospitalizations, the cost of a babysitter, have really put us deeper into the hole.......there is no money to spare, to save, no cushion at all. And I am still terrified of that sensation of everything about to fall in.....
No, I don't think meds did me any good, nor did the hospital stays.......I just got fatter and lazier and more scared of life....
I am so tired......
And my H and I had a fight as soon as i got home. He said I sound like a witch.....and I feel like one, too.....
I have been thinking this morning I need to just leave. Go get my own job and place and leave and be alone and separate.
Has the suicidal feeling left.....it did in the hospital. But still I feel the need to simply escape what feels impossible to me to bear......
I am sorry. I don't think I should come here anymore because I don't feel like I have the right spirit of help to offer anymore......I don't know who I am or who I can be right now......I still feel so lost.