I'm so sorry you're stuck in this pattern. I also went through a phase of giving money away, after my husband died I got through his pension so quickly... I didn't want the money. I gave it to charity, spent it on worthy projects... ended up in a lot of debt, which I'm still struggling to overcome. Thought I'd sorted it earlier this year, but the official receiver jumped on me bigtime. So now I'm looking into bankrupcy.

What I mean is that all of us at some time do things we know are foolish, and at the time it doesn't feel like we'll ever be able to stop. I do not believe this man is your friend, he is a manipulator, who is treating you appallingly. The fact that you have got into such horrendous debt and are still keeping it from your husband is a horrible twist. Your husband will find out, and then what?

This man seems to me to be a very very bad man indeed. He knowingly manipulates someone he knows to be in a vulnerable mental state, he knowingly encourages a wife to act behind her husband's back, he knowingly empoverishes you every time he sticks his hand out. I pity his daughter, I really do. Nothing you can do will mend this, nothing you can give will fill his emptiness.

But please don't feel you have to end it. This man is not worth your life. Write a letter, share it here if you need to, trying to explain what has happened to your husband. You will need support, I would speak to your therapist about it. If you're suicidal then it might even be an idea for you to be in hospital for a little while, during which time your husband can be apprised of the situation. Personally I would take out an injunction against this thief, given that he's driving you to a mental breakdown, and bleeding you every chance he can get.

I'm so angry on your behalf, I wish I could be there to help you.

As Rose says you CAN get out of this horrible pit, and you will. I hit rock bottom with my spending, but I'm still here. Just because a thing is as it is now, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Please just know that you belong to YOU. Not him. You owe him nothing. You can't buy his affection, he can't be permitted to drain you dry.

Let us know what happens, anything... I just want to hear from you that you're okay.