thank you esthersvirtue. sometimes i feel like i'm screaming in water, no one can hear me. such a very lonely day. i feel like theres noone i can trust. . . seems like everyone always has a hidden agenda, and when i discover it i am so angry with myself for opening up and trusting, so hurt for not knowing any better, and i just want to tear myself to shreds. i had an honest conversation with my mother recently , and am so thankful for once i trusted my instincts. parents have beeen telling me to leave my husband, that hes no good for me and cant take care of me. they were preying on my weakness and fears for my children. i kept hammering away at my mom, holding my ground, saying but where would we go. and finally the truth. . .well, she says, its not like we would get you your own place to live. they wanted me to leave him and move back into that hell. i knew better. but i'm hurting myself, angry that i listened, that i even considered it in the first place. today was my ten year anniversary and i spent it alone. as the day wore on i couldnt shut the thoughts out of my head. not today. why today. i've made so many mistakes lately. opened up to the wrong person. i fear i'm rambling now. havent been able to sleep. when i do the nightmares are terrifying and i wake just wanting to bleed myself dry. sorry feeling sad and down. didnt want to be alone today.