Quote:
Originally Posted by mgran
I'm so sorry you're stuck in this pattern. I also went through a phase of giving money away, after my husband died I got through his pension so quickly... I didn't want the money. I gave it to charity, spent it on worthy projects... ended up in a lot of debt, which I'm still struggling to overcome. Thought I'd sorted it earlier this year, but the official receiver jumped on me bigtime. So now I'm looking into bankrupcy.
What I mean is that all of us at some time do things we know are foolish, and at the time it doesn't feel like we'll ever be able to stop. I do not believe this man is your friend, he is a manipulator, who is treating you appallingly. The fact that you have got into such horrendous debt and are still keeping it from your husband is a horrible twist. Your husband will find out, and then what?
This man seems to me to be a very very bad man indeed. He knowingly manipulates someone he knows to be in a vulnerable mental state, he knowingly encourages a wife to act behind her husband's back, he knowingly empoverishes you every time he sticks his hand out. I pity his daughter, I really do. Nothing you can do will mend this, nothing you can give will fill his emptiness.
But please don't feel you have to end it. This man is not worth your life. Write a letter, share it here if you need to, trying to explain what has happened to your husband. You will need support, I would speak to your therapist about it. If you're suicidal then it might even be an idea for you to be in hospital for a little while, during which time your husband can be apprised of the situation. Personally I would take out an injunction against this thief, given that he's driving you to a mental breakdown, and bleeding you every chance he can get.
I'm so angry on your behalf, I wish I could be there to help you.
As Rose says you CAN get out of this horrible pit, and you will. I hit rock bottom with my spending, but I'm still here. Just because a thing is as it is now, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Please just know that you belong to YOU. Not him. You owe him nothing. You can't buy his affection, he can't be permitted to drain you dry.
Let us know what happens, anything... I just want to hear from you that you're okay.
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Hi Mgran, thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate that. I don;t think I;ve hit rock bottom yet (or even though what that is), I have just worked out how to get another credit card so I can help him out further if he needs cash , as I have now maxed out on my other 3 cards, on giving him money in cash, spending on him etc.
I have seen a therapist in the past early last year but it never helped me , sometimes therapists aren;t for everyone. I have just come across the Psychforum and have found posting and replies from the likes of yourself extremely helpful and very supportive, its nice to hear form people who are generally concerned for others.
I know it sounds crazy but I do occassionally think to myself that if I did kill myself then all the craziness would end, but then I have my mum, sister and nephew who I would worry about. They are mainly only family, although I am married, that it not the most conventional it is more like a brother/sister relationship and has been for almost 21 years now. My husband knows of my friendship with this man but not the extent of the financial situation. I have made my bed in that situation and now have to lie in it, I would never expect him to bail me out on that at all.
Maybe I am trying to buy his attention, it isn;t love I crave for, but I do seek his attention, one crazy thing is that when my sister had her son and I only have one sister and therefore only one nephew, I never had children myself, I was always trying to nbe in my nephews life but my sister always put massive boundaries up, I wanted to treat my nephew like my own, I always had to fight to see him. This seems what is happenign with this friend, I have to fight to see him, when he has competing priorities at home with his partner and kid and step kids and daily life. That is why I am always anxious and eager to see him , its like having something you can have or something you have absolutely no control over. I only gave up on tyring to take such an active part in my nephews life when he turned around 16. Maybe I was always trying to buy my nephews attention too. Margaret