For me I have chosen to block everything behind me and not try to open any closed door for now as I am still dealing with my trauma from last june. This last trauma is still so very fresh in my mind and heart that I can taste it, feel it with my every sense. I can't accept it and I am so scare it will repeat itself. Not one day go by that I don't think about it. It also makes me sad because I am confuse if it is my fault that is has happened.

I know what I have to do, so it will not repeat itself, but I'm not sure if I want to do that. One way or the other, it is and will just bring more sadness in my heart. I can't win this one. I can't block the sadness of this trauma because it has a continuty that I'm living with right now and that I will live with for a long time.

It is still bothering me so much I can't even talk about it. I cannot say what happened. I can't even write it down for myself. It has surprised me so much. I never thought that this would happened. My trust has taken a real blow with this trauma.

I'm writting this in here right now because I want to apologise when at times I can't support anyone even if I care so much for all of you. Sometime it hit me so hard I go silence. I can't communicate at all. But after a while I gather my strenght back and I come back to you all. I have a good willpower.

Thank you for reading this. I appreciate all of you!