I keep having dreams about dying, either my friends let me or set things up so i die. I find that i cant shake off the feeling for days, even if i dont remember the specifics of the dream.
Have you tried getting it interpreted?
I find that i dream about things that are in my control, but i worry that i will do them if i lose control.
Eg. Worry about getting caught shoplifting (i dont shoplift), so while i'm awake and concious and sane, i can just make the decision not to shoplift (which i do) but then i'll dream that i shoplift and that i kind of did it by accident and wake up feeling horrified.
I think its the same thing with you, its not something you WANT to do, but its something you think about doing a lot, and kind of need to know the feeling you would get, so sub consciously you do it, cause your brain is clever and knows you think about it, so makes it happen in a dreamworld, so you understand the feeling without going to that extreme.
Am i making sense lol.
Thats just my little theory, i'm not saying its what it actually is.