well back to my old depressed state. This one is strange or maybe different than the others. I don't like going to sleep at night and hate waking up in the morning. I'm exhausted all day and can barely get through work. I'm trying my best to fake my way through work so no one notices that I'm really not thinking clearly at all.

After using up nearly all my time off, I finally built up enough to take today off as a depressed day, but of course, that's only one day of relief. I'm now not wanting to go to sleep because I know I have to wake up very early (less than 6 hours now) to get ready for work. Not looking forward to the train again. Every day twice a day 2 hours each way. My long-term goal now is to find a job closer to home, but that means taking a significant pay cut. That's not so easy to take when I'm the only one working and barely supporting our family as it is. But I'm going to see if I can get something close to home anyway. I'm not a robot and my family knows they have to compensate for me making less money.

Being depressed and unmotivated makes it hard to relate to others (or feel related to by others). I don't know anyone who is successful in my career field who is depressed like me. As far as I know everyone else just copes with it just fine. It really does feel like it's just me since there are so many people that take the same trip in to work just as far as me and cope. Why not me? I don't know. It's like hell is in my backyard. I'm not in it, but I can see it clearly. I could go there and completely break down into horrible depression and ruin my life (not go to work and eventually get fired). For now I'm going to just watch the hell in my mind's backyard. I'll turn away from it and go back to my day feeling it calling me, but I will not do what my feelings want me to do (sleep and do nothing).

Writing on here helps even if no one can fix the problem. My docs can't change anything, so it's all about me finding a way to cope. As my therapist said at the end of a session, "good luck finding something that works for you." Yes good luck to me indeed. I have a family that needs me, so I survive and continue for them. The kids are growing up fast and I want them to have good memories of their childhood with me as their father. Trying to make more money won't help that and pushing myself to advance in a career I hate won't help either. There's nothing wrong with taking a job that's a step down and taking less money because of the market difference in regions. I can't afford to move closer to my current job, so I'll make my long-term goal to have a job here so I can be with my family more.

This is my emotion. I will feel it, but I will not act on it.