I just lost what I wrote so far and have to start over!
My session was difficult and started out crummy because I couldn't get the words out about my email and feelings for my T. She didn't understand me, and when she did, she just said that email didn't seem "new" to her. I gave it to her to read again. She said it did sound like I was more ready to look at my relationship in RL, and not with her. But the picking up the pieces of my heart and holding her hand wasn't mentioned at all.

So, reluctantly I followed her lead and we talked about my marriage for most of the session. Part of me was stuck on my email, still. Plus, she didn't make a fuss about wanting to read the email that SHE asked me to bring in. I was a little frustrated but managed to tell her a lot that she didn't know about my H and me. Hard stuff! Also about using therapy as an escape from my real life problems, and using Ts to get my needs met instead of working on my marriage.

She amazed me by saying that she would see us for an hour together for a very low price, almost nothing, and charge me my full price for my session in the same week. For a month, not indefinitely. She really wants to help us!

Towards the end of the session I hadn't asked her to hold my hand yet, so I did. I prefaced it with saying I was so afraid she was going to take that away from me! We talked about that while she held my hand. She wanted to know why it felt so good and how it feels when my H holds my hand, and if I hold anyone else's hand, like my kids or grandchildren. Then, at the last minute, I said "what about the love stuff?" I said I'm not allowed to love her, and she wanted to know where I heard that from. I don't know. Finally, I said the words "I love you" and she thanked me or something. I said, but you won't say them to me, and she said, no, because she wouldn't be genuine or somthing like that. But she said "I care about you and you're very special. I have a special place in my heart for you" and pointed to her heart. Then as if I didn't tell her enough secrets for one session I told her something about sex.

I emailed her already. I feel pretty good about the session after all. Facing reality is hard but I have to do it. She won't take hand holding away from me. I said maybe it feeds my fantasies but I don't think it does. I don't have anything more to write in the "what you can't tell your T thread" because I told her everything I can think of. I know she likes me no matter what I tell her.