If anyone wants to read, here's what I'm going to bring to T Monday.
Quote:
Helpful posts that say a lot... They say things I either forget or avoid saying myself. I guess it’s like an online journal of sorts.
Forum posts
July 20th-
(In response to a discussion about self-injury)
Post #1
“My last relapse really scared me because I needed medical attention. Staying SI free wasn't that difficult because I was too afraid of the consequences to act on my urges again. It just wasn't worth it. But the urges do come, especially when someone hurts my feelings (such as by talking about me behind my back, etc). These were the times when SI was most appealing, but thankfully the urges never materialized.”
Post #2
(While studying for the SAT, my perfectionism becomes even more apparent)
“Yeesh...taking these SAT practice tests makes me feel like an idiot...or worse - a bad writer. I took a three hour long online test and got 51% of the questions right. Boo...Of course I don't expect myself to know them all, but wouldn't I know at least a little bit more? I want to get in the 99th percentile for reading and writing, not in the 70s or 80s, for crying out loud. Yes I know this sounds petty, but please understand - I feel like I have to succeed at this...I have to make it. "Making it" in my mind translates to being better than most. Better than 99% of test-takers, to be exact.”
July 19th-
(In response to a discussion about body issues)
Post #1
“I've always had body issues, but I don't post in the Eating Disorders forum because it just doesn't feel right. And having potentially come close to developing bulimia, I don't want to fuel that fire. This sounds whiny – so pathetic and cliché for a 16 year old girl. But that doesn't mean the issue shouldn't be taken seriously. I hate it. I've tried - God knows how many times I've tried - to drum up some motivation to lose weight, but it never sticks. My motivation falls flat within the week. That's not laziness - that's a problem that needs to be addressed. I realize that. But do you know how hard it is to talk about body issues in therapy? The issue is embarrassing, it's gross and should be kept private. It's one of the few things I can't bring up with my therapist. I love her approach to therapy and her no-nonsense personality, but I just cannot share this stuff. At least not yet.
I was looking around online one day and came across something called “Body Dysmorphic Disorder”. So I went to its Wikipedia page. And found this amongst other information:
Certain personality traits may make someone more susceptible to developing BDD. Personality traits which have been proposed as contributing factors include:
Perfectionism
Introversion/shyness
Neuroticism
Sensitivity to rejection or criticism
Unassertiveness
Avoidant personality
Schizoid personality
Social phobia
Social anxiety disorder
Perfectionism? Check. Introversion? Ditto. Same for every one of these with the exception of Avoidant and Schizoid PD. I think it's possible I might have BDD too. And I hate to self-diagnose, but tell me that having all these traits isn't cause for worry.”
Post #2
“I don't know, I've read the symptoms (of the abovementioned disorder) and I do have most of them. But it says that one of the requirements is that the imperfection has to be imagined, that it can't really exist. But what if it does? What if I have the symptoms, but the imperfection is real?”
Post #3
“I don't compare myself to a cover girl - I know those standards are impossible to achieve. It's fake. What I'm saying is that this doesn't seem like a small thing to me. I'm not saying I am 100% sure I have this disorder. Quite frankly I don't care about a diagnosis in the first place. I just don't feel taken seriously, I guess (by other members of the forum that believe body issues in teens are caused entirely from peer pressure and hormonal changes). People will look at what I've described above and chalk it up to "normal teenage frustration". They'll attribute my self-loathing to anger at not being able to attain supermodel perfection. It's become a teenage stereotype that leaves people like me in the dark - those who take the issue a step further to where it becomes almost an obsession. My weight bothers me, consciously and subconsciously, almost every minute of the day. I'm aware of it constantly. This isn't the same as staring at the cover of Cosmo and thinking "man, I wish I could look like her". That's all I'm saying. Sorry if this offends, but I am disgusted by the fact that society views a potential psychological issue as nothing more than teenage angst. If I were a 50 year old woman, would people still think I hated my body just because it isn't like those featured in Playboy?”
July 17th-
(Daily mood update)
“I know it sounds cliché, especially for my age, but I really hate myself right now. The way I look, my attitude, everything. My only redeeming quality is my writing and my art. It is cliché, but just because every other 16 year old feels the same, why should that make my feelings any less significant? In other words, why do I have to justify feeling this way just because I’m young?”
July 10th-
(A post to an online support website)
Hi there,
You guys probably know most of my history already, but in the interest of details...
I've struggled with issues such as depression, anxiety, and self-injury on and off for years, probably since about the age of 11 or 12 (self-injury came later, at 14 or 15). My nervousness began in late elementary school or early middle school following experiences with bullying. My anxiety would kick into overdrive - whenever I'd hear people laughing or gossiping, I'd automatically assume they were talking about me. This escalated throughout middle school and into high school, at which point my other "issues" started to come into play. Though I've never been officially diagnosed with it, I've done a lot of research on mild depression, and when I came across something called "dysthymic disorder", the symptoms seemed to fit. All but perhaps two of them fit me startlingly closely. I realize this post may come across that I'm looking for a disorder to label myself with, but this isn't true. I'm just curious as to what's going on. Maybe if I understood more of these things about myself, it would aid in my therapy. Anyways, with this thought in mind, I found a depression forum online and posted my question to it. I mentioned my art and writing, and how I constantly am frustrated by both to an obsessive degree. I'm a perfectionist and am constantly comparing myself to others (when I say "constantly", I don't use the term lightly). Someone on this depression forum, upon reading about my writing, mentioned that these kinds of issues are common for writers and are to be expected. This kind of angered me - are my feelings not real until I have their physical proof? Until I cry for help on the forum, thereby becoming the recipient of countless virtual hugs, are my suspicions not valid? I have their physical proof on my body...I see it every damn day, remembering the despair that caused me to harm myself in such a way. I don't know what this post is asking for...I just am tired of hearing that whatever issues plague me can all be chalked up to having an ‘artist's mentality’”.
July 9th-
Post #1
(In the midst of whatever sadness I was experiencing at the time, I realized that I felt this way often, under the surface. I posted about it on a depression website)
“Hi everyone,
I know I don't usually post here, so I'm sorry for coming first thing with questions..
But last week in therapy, my therapist and I were discussing my depression (or what might appear to be - I've never become fully convinced on its existence) She says I really don't fit the category of major depression, rather dysthymia. I've become familiar with this diagnosis because I've done research on it. So I went to the Wikipedia page for this disorder, and it sounds...just like me. The reason I still am not convinced is because it doesn't make sense, logically. So I've felt sad for years, since about the age of 11 or 12, but isn't that normal for teenagers? It was never just normal sadness, though. It was deeper and broader than that. Still is. I don't know if it's hopelessness or what – there isn’t a word for it that I can think of.
What about the fact that I laugh? I laugh! I'm a funny person! How is that characteristic of depression?
The other symptoms fit to a T. Irritability, low self-esteem, lack of motivation etc. Some things come and go, like sleep and eating issues (too much of both).
I just don't get it. I apologize if I've written one of these "what's wrong with me can you help me I don't get it" posts before. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have this, and does this sound like it could be depression or dysthymia? I guess my self-image and confidence are what I struggle with most. I hate my body. When it's about my work (art and writing) I'll feel great about it for a while, then think it's crap.
Thanks for any help. Maybe I just need a kick in the pants.”
Post #2
(After others assumed that “it’s all due to having the mindset of a writer” (which is a nice way of saying that I’m full of bull), I replied with this)
“I guess what I meant to say is that my sad feelings at times lie dormant underneath the more lighthearted feelings on the surface, you know?...Especially the irritability. You have never met a person more irritable than I. I try to lift my moods with humor and sometimes am able to, temporarily of course, but always there is the original, deeper crap under the surface. I hope this makes sense. I feel like I have to justify my feelings to others because I'm not even able to accurately describe them in the first place.”
Journal entries
July 1st-
“Hi. Erm…I’m going to come right out and say this. I really don’t know what brings me to see you anymore. My anxiety is greatly diminished, and since that was my presenting issue, I just don’t know what to do. It’s not that I want to stop coming, just that I wonder if I should. Here’s a thought – maybe it’s not so much that I lack the motivation to get better as much as that I have nothing to recover from in the first place. I think now about my emotions as of lately; all the feelings I encounter daily, and which are present most often. I realize now that I am frustrated. Waiting. Irritated by myself and my work, especially. Waiting for the opportunity to unload that frustration and to really “be heard”. I realize that this may come as a smack in the face to you – I can understand any anger toward me that this may bring about. But I view it this way…since I don’t see you more than two hours out of the month, that leaves me to keep everything inside for the remaining 29 days. Obviously no person on earth has a 24 hour confidant, so perhaps therein lies part of the problem? (my neediness, I mean) I strongly desire the words that could express to you what it feels like to be in a state of constant self-analysis and examination. Alone, writing or perhaps even out with family during the daytime, I reflect on my feelings and find myself, as usual, waiting for someone to notice the fact that this reflection takes on a life of its own. Do you remember my telling you how I would confide in my Psychology teacher? This is what I meant. I know that what I’m saying probably makes little sense, given that you are that person I can trust. Writing this, I have the ever-present, increasing fear that my issues are nothing more than the petty frustrations expected of a writer. A writer consumed with her work and self-conscious of it to an unhealthy degree. This is typical and most likely will never change. I bet you’re growing tired of hearing me use my interest in writing as the catchall excuse for whatever ails me at the moment. In other words, I hear myself exclaim “you don’t need therapy – you need a life coach or a good English teacher!” If my problems, everything that I’m dealing with, is nothing more than yet another example of the tendency of writers to lean towards emotional instability, I’ll take it. Really. Because my desire to create surpasses that to reach “normal” sanity (which I probably am already in possession of and don’t know it). But I’m still not sure whether my artistic mentality is at the root of my problems. So that’s why I keep coming back to therapy. A part of me believes you wish I wouldn’t. I know I’m stubborn and my thoughts redundant. At least I’m aware of this much.
*There are a few more entries written in my journal, but this thing is getting too long!*
Only me…*shaking my head in shame and disbelief while simultaneously biting my nails off from the anxiety of anticipating your response.* I know I’m crazy – I know I am.
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Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!
Last edited by Indie'sOK; Jul 21, 2011 at 01:29 AM.
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