Anyone ever feel like you are on a sinking ship with no life boat? I think we probably all do at times.

My ship has set sail I'm afraid. After being psychotically manic for the last 2 and a half months things have shifted. I was afraid it might be shifting but after a few more days of being down in the dumps I realize it's here to stay. Getting lower everyday. I'm am already so tired, exhausted, sheer worn out. I feel like a rusty can that keeps getting kicked around and ran over that no one wants to toss in the trash.

I'm contemplating calling my pdoc now. I am way to worn out to handle another episode right now. The thing is antidepressants are out of the question. I feel like whats the point of calling, and am I just being a whiner. I usually try to handle the depression on my own, but I am too beat up already.

I've spent almost the entire last year and a half in one episode or another. I know I rapid cycle but I'm tired.

Wondering if the lithium is not working, did it ever work? I've never been stable for more then two months in the last 5 years I've been taking it. I've done two intensive psych programs, therapy, don't drink or do drugs, have a very regular responsible routine, I've read and researched a ton. So why is it I cannot get myself into remission, tried so many combinations of meds.

I've been cycling like this since I was about 17, so for the last 15 years. I am soooooooooo tired, I can't stress how tired I am enough. I read about people who are in remission for good lengths and I feel so dumbfounded. Why can't I have this too? I've tried so hard and I am so open to people's suggestions, just doesn't feel fair. I feel like I am getting a very raw end of the deal. My dad was bipolar and it was very sad, he was never ever well, fully psychotic, but he made many unhealthy choices. I'm trying to make healthy choices but look so similar to him. Sorry ranting I guess. That really freaks me out and makes me terrified.

I just want it so badly, and it seems so out of reach. Right now I hate Bipolar 1 soo much I just want to be done!! It's a painful, insidious, crippling disease. Oh sure.. it's not discriminating, that much is clear.

Thanks for listening,
Anika

P.S. What are the odds the psychosis is going to follow me into depression? Oh yes and working on that eating disorder right now, I don't think so.