Thanks guys... a good theory. Over the past 3-4 weeks I have been suicidal but thought I was past it when the dream occurred. I was very strange, it was the plan I had chosen but had more detail then I had processed. When I finished all preparations, I just sat back and waited to die. Then I woke up and was surprised I wasn't dead. It was sooooo real.

I don't think that the dream is related to ECT, rather the absence of it. I was on 3x a week last week - MWF and I hadn't gone more than 2 days between sessions. Now I am starting maintenance ECT once a week so it was 3 days without instead of 2. More than one session a week has to be done inpatient and I just got out on Friday after an 18 day stay so I don't want to go back in. From my prior experience, the ECT holds longer and longer so decreasing maintenance is usually successful with minor hitches.

I am just wondering if others have had suicide dreams and what their responses were to them.... relief, horror, surprised to be alive (like me)... Are they
"rehearsals"? Are they truly suicidal thoughts just like you would have when awake and something to mention to my pdoc on Monday?