Since I didn't understand that I *had* needs before I started therapy, it was a total non-issue for a long time.

Therapy made me aware of the seemingly endless, giant, yawning pit of need inside of me. T very gently met some of my needs early in therapy...by doing simple things like offering me a standing appointment time...without me asking. I would say "I'm scared that you're not going to have time for me " (probably not that clearly), and he would say "how about meeting at the same time each week?". Just being heard and understood and being offered a solution was huge.

When I would get overwhelmed, or scared, he would offer ideas to help...do I want to color? To play with the things on his desk? etc. etc. etc.

There was this awful transition point where I knew I had needs and I wanted him to meet them without me asking and he wanted me to ask. It felt like torture. I felt like he knew what I wanted and needed but he would NOT give it to me. I was so angry.

And I think I finally realized that instead of feeling angry and hurt, I could open my mouth and ask for what I needed. I didn't want to...I wanted to be taken care of, and just to be the recipient, not to have to be active in the process. It didn't feel fair. I wanted what I didn't get when I was little. Once the pain of not getting my needs met became worse than the pain of asking, I finally asked (I wanted T to sit with me) and T smiled and happily gave me what I needed, and it felt better.

I do ask T for what I need now, and to me, it's us working together to meet my needs. There are things I can't give myself (like a hug) but I can ask T to give them to me, and he will. It makes me feel safe and good to know that all I have to do is ask and I will get what I need.

There are times when T will still meet my needs without me asking. He seems really good at knowing when I just CAN'T do something yet. I *can* ask for him to sit with me, for a hug, for reassurance, things like that. But today there was a moment when I lost myself in session - got SO ungrounded and felt myself slipping away - and T noticed immediately and pulled me back with the things that he knows help me get grounded. I needed that, but I couldn't have asked for it with words in that moment.

Learning to ask T to help me meet my needs has taught me to do it out in the real world, with H, or my friends. It feels scary, but it almost always works out just fine.

There are some needs that I can meet myself. I am much much better at getting grounded than I used to be. I can reach out to connect with others when I feel alone or scared or lonely. I can color or go outside or read a book or do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment when I feel overwhelmed or sad. I used to only have unhealthy ways to meet my needs and deal with my feelings. T has slowly, over a long time, helped me learn new ways of taking care of myself.

I don't think it's black and white. I think there is a big continuum and there's a big mix of me meeting my needs, me asking others to help, T and I doing it together, T doing it without me asking, and tons of other stuff in between.

The cool thing is, now I can HAVE needs, and know that I have the skills to get them met. I never ever had that before therapy, and it's one of the best gifts that therapy has given me.