My Support Forums - View Single Post - my main flashback story(fear not happened to me) (All alone) trig

eskielover · Jul 21, 2011, 10:26 AM

Hi CDG, I went back to your post where you explained what has happened in your life so that you can correlate that with what you say are flashbacks:

Quote:

I was born on 1991 (April 14th) born in Europe and my Bio mom left me at the hospital cause she could not take care of me and i was sick as a baby . And also few months after that I was at two diffrent orphanges (one for younger infants , and the other for older kids) , the orphange for the older kids where I was before i was adopted at age 7 1/2 . I am regretful and guilty I could not have been able to help as a helpless baby. And feel I was a problematic child (dont know how i was as a baby or child much) . So I try to stay away frfom those feelings and trying to numb pain and hurt , I have raw pain and tremendous guilt I try to stay away from and use ED to help numb and punish myself for not being able to help my bio family . I am blessed though I realize and a gift from God i was adopted and I feel like i need to forgive myself and let go to move on Crazydancinggirl

It is sad that your mother had to leave you because she couldn't care for you & knew that you would get better care if she left you to be cared for in the hospital when you were born. The memories that which you have of that NOW are more about how your mind NOW thinks you would have felt if you were really aware of what was happening to you just after you were born as most children usually start to have real memories around the age of 2 1/2 & later especially regarding emotions....I don't remember much before I was 5 years old.

The more clear memories you have are those of the orphanages you were in. I am not sure.....something you may want to even ask yourself.......Why is your adoption so traumatic to you & you seem to think of it as such a bad thing? Seems to me, you have a family who loves you & wanted you so badly that they would put out the effort to go to europe & take you OUT OF THE orphanage & bring you into their home & give you love & care for the rest of your life....from the age of 7 1/2 to now.....when you are 20. Your adoptive family can give you everything that your mother wanted you to have otherwise your bio mother wouldn't have given you up & kept you for herself to live a life that definitely wouldn't have given you what you have today which includes a very loving & caring family to live with.

In DBT terms.....you need to accept the fact that your mother gave you up for adoption so that you could be cared for & so that you could be adopted by a loving & caring family who could give you what she couldn't & that included the care you needed. That is really NOT abandoning you. Abandoning you would have been to have walked away from you & not seen to it that you got any care at all. Your bio mother cared about you & your welfare otherwise, she wouldn't have left you at the hospital to be cared for & to be available to be adopted by a loving family even though she could no longer be a part of your life. Reframing your thinking....that took real love from your bio mother to give you up like that.

It must have been hard living in an orphanage for 7 1/2 yearss, growing up without the family support & love until you were 7 1/2, but your needs were taken care of. Not sure how the other children treated you in the orphanage, that could have left some bad memories there. But at the age of 7 1/2, (only 1/3 of your life looking back at it) the sun started to shine in your life when your family you have now chose to bring you to the US & give you a wonderful caring life.

You seem stuck in your thinking about all the negative things that have happened in your life rather than looking at the positive things that have come from what happened....just the fact that you were rescued from where you were so that you could have a wonderful life.

Yes, those things that you went through in the first 7 1/2 years of your life are part of who you are......& have had an influence on how you think. That part of you needs to be put in perspective however.....& you need to find fulfillment in your life NOW....find your aims & goals for the future rather than focusing & dwelling on the past which is no longer your life.

Know this is not always easy to do & it takes time to change our thinking to more positive thoughts.....that is the purpose of DBT is to provide us with the skills to be able to do this....to be able to put life into perspective. DBT combines our emotional self with our logical self. Emotional thinking that is living with only the bad memories & also putting bad thinking on them rather than looking at the good that came with those situations also. Logical thinking about the good things that came from your mother giving you up to be cared for & the fact that she didn't have an abortion so that you wouldn't even be here to be alive & to have been adopted by such a wonderful family even though it had to have been difficult getting to know a new family & feeling comfortable with them.

The emotions that came with what you went through need to be processed & put into their proper place in your life so that you can focus on future goals & aims for your life. I have found that when my focus in on my future aims, I no longer have so much time to dwell on the past. You have your whole life ahead of you to focus on......hopefully you will gain the tools from DBT to understand your thoughts & emotions from the past & put them in their proper place so you don't continue to act on those emotions, but accept them for what they were & be able to live in the present, looking to the future for the rest of your life. Yes, the past will always be there in your life....but it doesn't have to be the major part...it needs to take it's rightful place so that you can get on with your life in a more positive light.