KazzaX, you must be in incredible pain. Your posting about this makes me think you're looking for a way out, which is huge - and I see it as a sign that your instincts for self-preservation are not completely kaput. There's a spark there.

You're verbal, self-aware and articulate. Maybe start with those things? It's interesting to me that you're also apparently comfortable with violating social norms, and talking about these things without embarassment (some people wouldn't be able to admit these things even on an anonymous form). Could that be a sign of your courage - another possible launch point for your self-esteem?

As strange and sad as your mental state seems to be right now, it also (for me at least) contains seeds of humor. Some of the funniest comics I can think of are massively ill-adjusted. It's the received wisdom among comics, that they tend to come from extremely f*cked up backgrounds. Yet they're honest and courageous about it, as you are - and they can make me laugh so hard I'm crying (Mark Maron is one off the top of my head).

I agree with you that the conventional self-esteem wisdom sounds like a crock of $hit. At some point somebody decided that lack of self-esteem was my main problem in life, and I never heard the end of it. Like you, I found myself wondering what on earth you're supposed to base this stuff on. I was masively depressed, had dropped out of school and alienated everyone, my parents hated me, I hated myself, my therapists let me down, I couldn't get a job. What the hell was I supposed to suddenly start feeling good about?

My internal world was what saved me. I read a lot. I created an inner life for myself that sustained me. My parents knew little about it. It was like I was feeding a secret baby tiger. Things got better, but not because I suddenly acquired self-esteem. I didn't, and I still don't really understand what it is. I don't love the term, but it may be the best short-cut term for something that has to do with radical self-acceptance, and the constant effort it requires for some of us to preserve the will to live. That's what it is for me, anyway.

I've always been suspicious of any advice to acquire skills or talents as a basis of self-esteem. What if you're a concert pianist, for instance, and you're the cat's pajamas - until you lose a hand in a car accident? What if you think you're hot because you're 20 and great looking? Can you sustain that kind of self-esteem into your 80's?

In order for self-esteem to mean anything, it HAS to be baseless. You have to want to live for the sake of life itself. It doesn't really have anything to do with feeling like you're special, popular, rich, not a loser. Those things come and go, and it's all subjective anyway.

Maybe try to live from the inside out. I know how hard it is!