i know it is hard phenix. you know you will feel so much better about yourself if you use your skills and dont do it. sounds to me that you are needing that nurturing that comes after, that care and compassion for the wounded child. imagine me if you can just holding you gently, allowing you to rest your head on my chest while i gently stroke your hair and rock you back and forth. let all that grief out. its ok to cry. you dont have to hurt yourself. you dont deserve it. you have been hurt enough. allow yourself to love you.