This definitely happens to me too. I keep a really in depth journal and I get so upset when I find out that certain things in my life are changing from one to the other.

For example the other day I told my psychiatrist that "I don't think the sexual abuse ever happened. it never went on." He asks "well what about the emotional and physical stuff". I answered "Maybe I'm just sensitive. Maybe I'm just a whiny baby". Of course this makes other parts really sad to hear that others say stuff or assume stuff like this. But to my psychiatrist he probably thinks something like "Was she lying before or is she in denial now?" In total it was neither, that part doesn't know anything about the abuse and when he brought it up, it was almost shocked. Even aggressively upset.

On other occasions I may claim to be "neat and tidy" and then claim that I am the most disorganized person on this planet. I may claim to never eat meat, and then eat a hot dog. I may one day claim I like someone and then next I don't. I may claim to be allergic to certain laundry detergents, and then you'll see my use them. I may one day love coupon shopping, I may say I'm thrifty and love finding bargains. And the next I'm buying shrimp and fine chocolate at full price. One day I may have one idea why I'm so sick and the next it's something else. I make plans with someone to go to a majorly social function and then decide later that I can't handle it and then redecide that I can and then cancel at last minutes. Right now I currently say to people "I cannot promise you anything. If you ask me the day of it will make it a lot easier for me to decide". I can also have certain mental health symptoms that completely disappear overnight. One day I am crying, locked in my apartment. And that next morning I am sitting outside in the sun, talking to all my neighbors. One minute I am suicidal and the next I'm talking about my future. A sentence I get from a lot of people is. "You're like a completely different person!" I went to visit family with my mom in November and I was reclusive, wouldn't leave my mom's car. Would even attend the funeral I was there for. I sobbed the whole time and wouldn't look or talk to anyone. I worry that when I see them again they will think I was full of **** if I am not that same person. They'll think something "she just didn't want to attend a funeral".

Things like that can make it look like I am a liar, unstable, wishy washy, undependable, even borderline. I often worry about people thinking I'm malingering when my symptoms change so frequently. And I think that's why people with DID get such a bad rep. And the disorder is not believed by some professionals. Because long before we ever get diagnosed, we're black white and 15 shades of gray and written off as attention seekers or malingers.

But we're not purposely lying. I mean those things are really true to who we are at the moment. Even if one personality has a completely differing opinion of another one. It's one of my most confusing things I feel I have to deal with. And one of the things, that people don't really understand.

People make dangerous assumptions. Like "well if she's not suicidal right now, then she's feeling better. How can she possibly go from laughing to death in 60 seconds". But as soon as I switch back to that particular alter I am right back to frantically trying to survive the thoughts.

I think I wrote about this on here once. About how I can never make up my mind. And I didn't get much a response. So I'm glad this was posted.