Thank you madisgram and my3sns, thank you.....

Madisgram thank you for the hope with sharing your reply.

I still have fears, but hopefully I can get past my pride ~of maybe i'm not doing a great job with me.... I don't like the thoughts of meds, but if so, someday will need to accept I guess.

So today at work my relief came in I got b >.< tchy with them or felt that. They never let me finish my thoughts which really gets to me.... I think they get a little upset that sometimes I can talk with ppl about an issue and some times get more response due to I bring up a valid point of safety. Any ways I left feeling like I needed to scream! after I left. I came home and hung out with my dog, he makes me smile even though he is a hand full at times. I started a list of things that make me upset and a shot why. I may take this along with some posts if/when I have courage to see a dr. Then I went to bed....

I woke up happy today! And I feel good! I have decided today when I get on a computer, to do some research on some doctors. I texted my brother to whom to sadly admit, I ignored him for a few days to he sent me a negative message that I could not deal with and had no response. Our chat was good, he is doin better which really makes me happy for him. He tries so hard, and I wish I could do more for him but can't. All I can do mostly is talk with him which I am told probably does him more help than I probably realize.
My bf also told me good news about his work....I am so happy for him too..
My dog and I went for a walk and enjoyed the green grass with no other dogs around which is great (dog has issues like me, but we are working on them to best as we know... He needs a real trainer). The dog, I like but sometimes feel is too much, but I am told he is doing better since he has with us (my bf and i). Which does make me feel good if true. We haven't had him for a full year yet.

I know I mention my bf in many posts. He is my rock sometimes. I'm grateful to have him and that we found each other. we talk a lot, I have told him more than anyone in my life, he is always hearing me.... I apologies for telling him too much about my thoughts, one time I told him I was sorry for expressing my suicide thoughts, he told me to not be, he wants to know, so he can try to help and so he is aware. At the same time I feel I put stress on him, I need to talk with some one like a dr. To get some stress off of him, but still keep him in the loop. I read a thread that a lot of ppl don't tell they SO what their T and them talk about. I don't know, I have my bf who I hope I never shut out, and I don't know if indulging too much is bad or good. I always figured we could help each other out by talking, but maybe I need more than he? I'm proud of my bf for him being him. I tell him this. He tells me the same but Idk how (lol)
I wish everyone had some one to talk to, I really do.... I remember when I had no one at one point and some things were very difficult and yeah, I was worse. I am glad there is a place like pc to give some relief and talking for some.

Any who, its a good day!
And it does not feel like a face today.

on that note, is really traits of bipolar like this, these swings seem so erratic and not cycle, like I know it for others; I realize everyone is different but Idk. Any who, whatever. I'm me lol

Thank you all! Thanks for reading my babbled text and for the replies and support.