Well ****. I crashed tonight. And feel the weight of self pity and hatred on my shoulders. I sit here at almost 2 a.m. and can do nothing more than just stare out into the world beyond and know that I am not a part of it. The saddest part is that honestly I don't want to be a part of the world. It's the fact that I am not a part of it and so many people I know are and I can't seem to figure out how to be there with them that bothers me most. It's like the party that you don't want to attend, but you want to be invited to. I have always been an outsider and thrive on that fact. But after so many years I feel like I've lost touch with society. I can't even have a normal conversation with anyone. It's always strained and phony. I think about what to say instead of just talking. Mainly because I just don't think like them and My mouth gets beyond my brain and I offend or upset them if I let myself open up verbally.

So... now I want to go and hide in the closet and turn the lights off and pretend that there is nothing outside that little thin door. Solitude, quiet. No one to put me on edge. Anxiety and I'm home alone. There's no one here. How ****ed up is that?