I've just read your post three times, Brennan. Your pain is so palpable it is coming through my computer. I want to find words to say to wrap this up neatly and make it go away.........but something that might make a deep impression on you isn't easily forthcoming. What I can tell you is that while our experiences are different, in many ways they are the same. I don't want to go on living but I have tried once to end my life and have failed. I'm sure that I would fail again many times over. It's not that I want to die; it's that I don't want to live.

I was diagnosed very late in life with Bipolar 1 and I have been changed forever. My attempt to take my life was after a spell of extreme mania........followed by depression and paranoid psychosis. Everything that everyone says about suicide doesn't apply to me. But, Brennan, it applies to you. You're on the opposite end of life, as distant from me as night is from day. You are going through a tremendously difficult time........one that you feel is never-ending. It will end. A month is just that; only thirty days of your life. It may feel like a mountain , but in reality it's closer to a molehill. You want help, Brennan. You've reach out and that's hugely important. Good for you phoning the Kids' Helpline. It may not have helped you at the time, but it was a first step to take in a positive direction. Writing in to PC is another. People here care about you more than you can know. Your life is of value to us. We are greatly pained for you; greatly pained for ourselves knowing you are having such a rough time living it.

I don't know what your living situation is. Are you at home? Do you drive? Could you get help finding a good therapist? You would learn alot and get to the bottom of some issues. But please talk here, to us as well. You haven't failed coming here; you've given yourself a huge victory! Please write again, Brennan. Today, tomorrow, every day if you can. We're one thread in that lifeline you're tossing out. Grab on, young friend.........you matter to us. Sending hugs to you and wishes for your well-being. All my best......grey