I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. When you lose a child it is so hard, and then you have that mom guilt think for feeling too depressed to feel you are at your best it seem. Be kind to youself, you are doing the best you are able to at this moment. If you knew how to do better you would. Please talk to us, it may help. We aren't as good as therapy, but we are a listening ear and not judging you.
Be good to you.

-Ariel

Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic, in it.
-Goethe