Dear Marcy,

Could this possibly be YOU..................................................... ?

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COMMITMENTPHOBIA:

This is by far one of the most romantic dilemmas of our century. It is also remains the reason relationships end when the best has just begun. How do you handle a partner who can’t get enough of you one day, and then cannot get far enough away from you the next? How can you tell if they are looking for love - - or an escape from closeness? Can it be both? – Yes if you suffer from fear of another, true intimacy.

Commitmentphobia is just that, a fear of being committed to any thing or person for any long period of time, and this can always be found in these forms: physical, emotional or intimacy (sex included).

The Commitmentphobia person is at their best in love, work and play when a safe distance is kept between them and another. Never to close to actually allow them self to feel, therefore they never risk being hurt or rejected for who they are. While these types of people can truly love another person and honestly desires to be in a relationship, their fear will optimally control them. Most Commitmentphobia people are control freaks and they will constantly control in order to remain safe. This can be seen in many ways: limit in time & availability, denies access to his or her life, refusing to be apart of your life, not sharing special interest with you, not being a part of your needs or wants, unreasonable restrictions on sex, establish a life style that say I want to be alone, uses the word “no” a lot with you, promises you the world but never delivers, always sorry and yet no change follows, and they make it clear that all expectations of you two being close is unwelcome demands on them (you become the needy one to enable them to remain at a distance, your problem not theirs – no responsibility this way).

Commitmentphobia people seem to want what they cannot have at the exact same moment in time that they want it (person, places, work, activities, ect), and yet as soon as they get to close and have what they fought so freely for, they will retreat. They must now withdrawal in order to be or feel safe again, closeness scares them, a vicious and destructive cycle in any relationship and or marriage. Commitmentphobia usually end up hurting others (not on purpose) in their attempt to have love and yet to not love so closely or intimately that they feel trapped or fearful. They will often hold back to keep from creating more problems once they have emerged.

You can best love this type of person by not wanting or needing to much, by waiting for them to come to you, by not demanding, by accepting that once they do need you they will retreat from you as well (cycling), and by creating your own life, fun and interest out side of your partner while you wait. You must be willing and capable of denying your own needs until the other person has a need or feels safe again if you are to remain in and to make the relationship you share with a Commitmentphobia work. Many relationships do not and cannot survive this viscous cycle for to long, and while some may last for many years or as a long term marriage it will eventually run the risk of ending from lack of emotional needs not being meet.

Commitmentphobia people are often Emotionally Unavailable… to self and others.

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LoVe,
Rhapsody -