Thank you all for your responses. Thank you for understanding. I literally cried as I read what you wrote because I'm just grateful you understand. Thank you, thank you.

mgran, I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I really am. That evil evil person is the one who should feel like he should die for that. Thank you for relating what happened to you. I feel strange saying I beat rape, because I really don't feel like I beat anything. I feel like a lucky stupid naive idiot for being too trusting of the people around me. I feel like it was my fault because I walked the stretch of my route that I usually ran through (it was an alley I couldn't avoid because the exit to my workplace was located there) because I was looking at my phone. And that was where he, a guy I worked with, was waiting. I feel helpless and out of control. I didn't beat rape really. I saw an opportunity to run away just as things were about to reach their worst and somehow it worked. I didn't fight him, in fact the whole time I cried and begged him to stop but froze in fear. So I just see myself as weak. Sorry for being so negative, that's how I feel I will keep trying to say it though until I don't feel like a fraud when I do.

ladymacabethadmunsen, thank you for relating. I too am having problems in college (or maybe high school in your country) having to drop classes and resit exams because I just can't focus on anything else. I do have a picture of my T and when I'm struggling I look at it and imagine what he would reassuringly say. Thank you, and I wish you the same.

lawnshark33, I'm real sorry about what happened to your son. That must have been horrifying for you. That's the thing about memories, it's not just recalling events, but feelings, both emotional and literal. I have literal memories of his cold skin and it makes things worse. Do you have a counsellor? I think he/she would be helpful for you. I hope that you can be strong and get through this and live. Because you can.

Open Eyes, thank you so much for your advice. That's why I come here, because of the people who know in my life, only one understands remotely, and that's my T. I know I should get an external one, but I have real difficulty trusting and forming relationships with people now. It took about 5 weeks before I told my current T what happened, and even then, he doesn't know every detail I struggle with. I don't know if I could handle the isolation of having to start again with someone who won't know what I'm going through for maybe another 5 or more weeks before I have even a sliver of trust in him or her. I'm scared that maybe the new one won't be quite so understanding or maybe they'll think I'm lying like I think I am. My mannerisms kind of make me feel like I'm lying even as I tell my current T things about what happened. I smile when I talk if I feel like I'm about to cry and my eyes go shifty when I look people in the eye because I'm not used to it. That negative person inside of me tells me that it's because I'm lying, I'm a liar. But I'm just in denial and that somewhat scares me.

Thank you very much to all of you for helping me. You don't know how much your support means to me. It means everything. I hope I can help and support all of you in any way as well.