I think it's the "wanting" and being afraid of that that gets me. I can go to stores and talk to clerks and buy stuff but I can't try on clothes; not because I'm physically shy in any way but because seeing the reality of my body and those clothes versus what I want and imagine when I pick out something to buy. . . it's just more than I can defend, trying something on and really liking it, seeing it fits well and being committed to it, what if then they won't let me buy it or comment on it and I have to defend my choice?

If I just pick out something I think is right, they can't know what I'm thinking and I can hide from myself so if it doesn't fit or I don't like it or it looks horrible when I get home, I just give it away next time the charity people ask for donations. I don't have to deal with my own desires or disappointments or other people's thoughts about me and what I'm doing.