To explain my current problem, I have to give a bit of back story. Forgive the novel, I know it's a pain.

Almost two years ago I reunited with my son's father, it was his first birthday and we decided to be a couple again to give our son a pretty normal life. We got engaged, we struggled, we tried to live a happy (if extremely poor) life. And then it hit me, and by "it" I mean "He". It hadn't been 8 months before I came to my grandparents asking to move in with them. It's a family farm, 3 generations old. My parents, siblings, and their respective spouses all live on the same eight acre piece of dirt. When I moved in I had a very hard time finding a job. I decided to let go of the job idea and reevaluate by going back to school. I'm currently aiming for a bachelor's degree.

I've been here since April of last year, and I just can't seem to get out of my rut. My son will be 3 in a month, I am still unemployed. My son's father doesn't pay child support because he's a loser and will do whatever it takes to keep from owning up to his responsibilities. My grandparents and my parents don't get along so I find that I end up slap in the middle of every quarrel they have. I live with my grandparents but I'm always supposed to be on my parent's "side". I tend to get yelled at by my grandparents for everything that happens on this farm. My brother left my grandpa's tools out, my parents want to buy a travel trailor, my sister's daughter is too fat for their liking and thus she is a bad mother. I am too hard on my son so they think that I'm just horrible to him. It has gotten to the point that I try to avoid them. I keep myself and my son cooped up in the room we share all day so that they wont have any influence over my son. My license was suspended because I couldn't pay my insurance and so I scrapped my car for diaper money and to buy pizza one night because my son was getting so bored and needed something fun. I have no money, no transportation. I have 2 friends (yes, that's all) who seem conveniently busy when I'm having a breakdown, and my mom's amazing but not of much help when I'm feeling blue. She's very much a realist, and will simply tell me that if I don't like my situation, I should change it.

But it's just not that easy. Getting a job requires putting my son in day care. He's too much for my family to handle all day every day. Putting him in day care is expensive. Finding and keeping a job is nearly impossible without a way to get there. And if I get a job, I know I'll have to drop college to be able to sleep on a semi regular basis.

I just don't know what to do. I keep all of my frustrations bottled up. I help anyone whether I can or not. I try my damnedest to put in all my effort but I just feel like I'm so stuck in this rut that I wont be able to get out. I feel like I will be here forever, fighting with my grandparents, hiding my emotions from my family and friends. Anymore it's as if my son is the only reason I haven't done something drastic. Because I don't know where he would end up, or who he'd be with.

I'm so stressed out. I can't sleep, and when I do, I don't sleep well. My son gets on my every and last nerve because he's a high energy kid and he's bored. I just don't have the energy to go outside and play with him. His best friend has become the TV. That makes me feel guilty. I'm struggling with my classes in school. The highlight of my day has become the 7 minutes it takes to smoke a cigarette (that my sister payed me with to watch her children for a day) on the front steps. Where I can sit by myself and daydream about how I wanted my life to be in the first place.

There's just so many pieces to pick up if I am to get on my feet. I don't know where to start.