I tell people I "used to" cut....and I haven't done it since last July....but when I get really stressed out, the urge is just overwhelming.

Well, since last July, I've developed a blood disorder, and since I don't really want to bleed to death, I still can't cut...but the thoughts of it are getting intense.

I really need to maintain proper nutrition in order to get "well" again ... but for awhile now, I haven't been eating, much or at all. I'm overweight, and I realize it's a crappy way to lose weight, but that's not the point of it -- punishment is. I've gone through so much BS in the last 3 months healthwise, and even though the doctors have told my family my recovery could take up to a year, my family are being jerks about it, and adding more pressure on me. I have all this financial stress, etc. And so, in my twisted little mind, I've just decided that I must deserve all this crap I'm getting, and I need to hurt myself somehow.

I don't have much money, but I do have a lot of friends who live nearby who make sure I have food, so it's not that. There's also a few food pantries around if I get really desperate. There are plenty of ways for me to get food. I just look at it and make a conscious decision that I'm not going to allow myself to have it, because I deserve to hurt, and being really hungry is actually physically painful.

I don't know what to make of this.....just a substitute for the cutting, or do I need to talk to my T/pdoc about anorexia, or what?



Candy