I have very conflicting feelings and I am having a very difficult time understanding myself and what I should be doing. I've posted on here once before that a old friend had contacted me and we havent seen or spoke to one another for over 3 years. He sent me an email telling me how sorry he was for what had happened to our friendship and how much pain he had caused me.

Years ago we had gone out with our friends just like any other weekend and that night I had too much too drink. He is usually the friend that I trust to take me home because he hardly ever drinks. We ended up having sex and I woke up the next morning in shock, feeling anger, betrayed and even used. I just couldn't believe it that he would have sex with me knowing that I was so drunk. To this day I can't remember what exactly happen. I have images of that night and I don't remember me fighting him off of me but based off of my feelings the next morning I knew I never wanted to have sex with him because I never felt like that towards him.

I feel that as a woman I should stand strong and hate him for the rest of my life. As time past I reflect about that night and I begin to think that maybe he just made a horrible but selfish choice. For those years I felt I was date raped because thats what most people in society would describe what happened that night but when I reflect back and knowing how good of a friend he was to me, I begin to think that he made a bad choice and maybe I wasn't raped. I just dont know how to describe it, I'm not sure even what I'm feeling. I want to move in life thats all.

He told me that he was misled and thought that I wanted to have sex with him also but he should have realized that I was too drunk to know the difference and he should have had more self control and walked away from the situation. Our friendship ended for many years and now hearing from him again I dont feel as angry especially when I've been able to talk to him, hearing his remorse it's also helped me get some closure. Even though I dont remember how exactly things happened that night but I doubt myself and wonder maybe at that moment I was willing but I wasn't in my right mind because I was drunk. All I know was that I woke up the next morning feeling bad about myself and mad at him. So now the doubt has made me think of things differently of that night that happened 3 years ago.

My conflicting feelings are that should I stay angry at him? Should I stand by all raped victims and no matter how remorseful he feels I should never forgive him. When I describe to other people what happened everyone tells me I was date raped but at times even I dont know what to think of it because when I know him as a man as my bestfriend of the two years we knew each other he has a big heart and wouldn't want to hurt me. It was just so complicated to deal with and I felt so much hurt because he was my bestfriend.