The last friend I killed (in the dream of course, ha ha) was my best friend from highschool. I lost her as a friend when I got totally wasted and kissed the guy she was on a date with. He is now my husband of 16 years but I still miss her dearly. She says she has forgiven me but it was quite traumatic for me, losing my best childhood friend. Sigh.

I have been trying to think about the dream as if all parts are parts of me. If I think of it that way it is actually a good dream. For the past 4 years I have been killing off parts of me, all the maladaptive coping "friends" that I once depended on. Would it not make sense that I would kill off my best friend last of all before surrendering the fight and allowing the old me to die and be reborn? That leaves the brother and all his friends. What are they? If we think of my self injuring as my best friend, the one coping skill that calmed me when nothing else would, then it makes sense that when she dies I would be set upon by many different pyschosis, surrounded by all the things that I kept at bay by using SI. But by surrendering to them, I find that they can not kill me. They do not have that power. I however can kill myself, and do so knowing that I will come back battered and hurt but eventually well again.

What continues to scare me about the dream is the draining of me and the burning of me. It is so dramatic. Will this process send me to the hospital? In the dream I am frightened as i run from them but when I turn and face them the fear fades to acceptance of their pain and sorrow for what has been done to them. My dying will bring them peace. It ends with them walking from the fire then me rising and walking in the opposite direction. This is a hopeful sign.
Carrie