With all the things I have gone through, while being a sensitive person to begin with, have completely screwed me up as a person. I have like zero emotions for things. I don't empathize with/for people anymore, if I hear someone died I just say "oh" (family too, we aren't a close-knit group) and will not attend any funerals or anything because it is too awkward and I won't show emotions in front of people, I don't want to be intimate with my partner, I am starved for attention so much that I get jealous of every little bond a person I care about has with someone else, I want to be with someone and alone all at the same time (same with having friends). I know I sound like a selfish twit, but it's not for nothing. I think it comes from realizing no one has my back, so I have to have my own, and I became self-absorbed. The thing is, NO ONE understands that. No one I have ever brought up my mental to has ever comprehended what I'm talking about, which makes me feel like a crazy, leper/alien that should just go get freakin' lost somewhere.

I've been through so much I don't even want to try building a relationship with someone, it's too much work. I feel like the love and attention I was supposed to get from family was never given, so, I'll just never get it, which makes me not want to even be bothered with trying. However, in my mind and heart, I want my fairytale love story. I just think I'm too messed up to be with a decent person, I'm damaged goods that should just be thrown away. I can NOT stop the bad thoughts no matter what I do, they just continue to fill my head and cause me to act in a way I regret later. Mental Disorders are the worst. I'd much rather be the person missing a leg or something that still sees all the joy in life no matter what is wrong. I guess that comes from childhood nurturing, which I really never had. Anyway, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make us all better. Good Wishes to you all.