I have been having some suicidal thoughts. I have no intention of doing so at any time in the near future. I saw my pdoc and her nurse today and the nurse reminded me it would take some time for the medication I am starting on Thursday (Emsam) to start working and seriously asked me to commit to hold off on suicide for two months. I almost laughed. I did say, "that long???". She asked if I had plans and I wonder why people even ask that any more of someone who has been suicidal in the past and attempted in the past. Of course I have plans. They have been created and thought through too many times to count. So, do I have plans. Yes. Do I intend to act on them right now. No.

I have been out of the hospital for ten days. I was inpatient for 18 days of course for suicidal thoughts and to have ECT. I have to hold on to the thought that it will get better. My pdoc added a treatment so I'll have one in two days on Wednesday and another on Friday instead of waiting a week to the next Wednesday. It is just so hard being off antidepressants, having serotonin discontinuation syndrome (getting somewhat better) and still depressed. It is better than when I went into the hospital but worse than when I got out of the hospital. On the depression scale they use in my pdoc's office, I had a 20 on admission to the hospital, a 10 today but it was probably a bit lower than it should have been, and it is usually about a 0-2 for me.

You are all probably getting tired of reading this. To sum it up, I feel that a better choice for me would have been to die but I am not at that active point of implementing it. Part of me knows or hopes that the new medication and increased ECT will make me "all better". Til then I am hanging by my finger tips.