Thank you everyone, I feel like I may have over-exaggerated in my opening post, but it still remains that I feel stuck here and that my accomplishments are short lived, but my failures are everlasting here. I'm trying to seperate from my family's problems and worry about my own I just wish I could find more support here. I am trying to do the things here and manage my life accordingly, however most people, especially my brother have told me how restraining my parents are and that I should move out, if I can get the means to do so then I probably will eventually.

I should mention that I was hospitalized three times before for suicidal thoughts, one thing that happened while I was there is that my parents made me feel really guilty for being there, by crying and not being strong at all, I felt like I wasn't supported really by them, in fact I felt terrible for draining their money. Then again they have had little expirence with people who have mental illness, growing up in fundamentalist, farming communities. The one time that sticks out in my mind was when I told them I had been having suicidal thoughts, my father just ignored everything and ran off, said he didn't care, that it was my "mother's responsibility" I know that people said it was a shock, but I really don't care, that's no way that any father should behave, he didn't want to listen, didn't care. Just ran off, then weeks later he starts crying and making me feel guilty.

There's so many emotional scars here, as my brother told me, he had it bad, but I had it ten times worse. All of this living with bipolar, being misdiagnosed with depression, confusion over sexuality, bad social relationships, rejection, weight problems, getting charged in court with false charges, grades, loneliness, school, spiritual problems. I felt like my parents were not people I could turn to for help, that they would only react and try to have someone else deal with me, or to punish me. It's just so much pain and its so hard to just move on from it all.

One thing that someone mentioned is making a safety net, I've always done bad in social situations though, I've been burned a lot in the past by people who have back stabbed me, and loneliness is a big issue for me. People use me emotionally, and never seem to reciprocate any feelings that I have for them, maybe because I'm insane, or because of my past, or whatever their problems with me, in the end though I feel like I get used.

One of the best friends I ever had is going through a really bad drug addiction, and I'm trying to just live and enjoy life, it's just there's so much pain that I want to end, but I don't see it really happening.

I'm so tired of being alone, I want other people to see that I have flaws and that I need other people there, also I wish I could find love and have some sense of being normal, but then again I've ****ed up a lot of things in my past. I want to just start anew, a different town, a different place, but I guess it's all about managing here for now.