((((((((((All of you)))))))))))

Thanks so much for the support, and website, and ideas, etc. We're back, and it doesn't seem quite so bad now. I still don't know what I want to do, but I hope that we can find a way to work things out without breaking up the family. I need to find a way to get the space that I need so that I can become whoever I am supposed to be, and learn to like myself and to have self-confidence. I don't know if I can do that in this relationship. I was hoping that going away to school for a while would give that to me, but I have now gotten rejection notices from all of the doctoral programs that I applied to.

The trip was okay. It was uncomfortable on the drive there and back when he was asking me for answers that I don't have yet, and won't accept "I don't know." I really wanted him to let me zone out. Once we got there I went with my mother and visited with other relatives, while he mostly hung out with my brother, and that was fine.

He read an article about verbal abuse in a magazine at my parents' house, and seemed to recognize himself in it. The article is online too, but I'm not sure if I can link to it. Stop Using Words That Hurt If you want to read the article, you might have to click on Ensign and March 2006 and then the name of the article, above. Anyway, he was kind-of mad at the article for suggesting that he is abusive, but on the drive home our son wet his pants, and hubby started yelling at him about that (I guess he doesn't actually raise his voice, but I still consider it yelling because that's what it feels like and he just goes on and on), and he had just been talking about that article, and he did catch himself. When he quieted down, I went to sleep because I couldn't deal with any more.

A pipe broke at our house while we were gone (outside, fortunately, so it was the yard that flooded, not the house itself), so they shut off the water. We got home late Sunday night to no water, and hubby had to stay home and deal with the plumber Monday, while I went to work.

This morning (Tuesday, right?) I was sick, but by afternoon I figured I would be okay as long as I didn't eat anything, so I went to work in the afternoon. I'm sipping on ginger tea now. I hope it helps. I can't afford to miss more work - I don't get vacation time, sick leave, etc., and I'm as behind there as I am around here now.

In the relationship situation, hubby feels more like another controlling parent, and I'm ready to grow up and break free again (and this time not jump into another dependent relationship), but the problem is when you are a child you are supposed to grow up and leave home and establish independence, but that isn't what is supposed to happen with a marriage. I guess I'm still confused, but it's my own fault and I can't go back and do it over. I don't want to hurt him and the kids. He's a good person, and he's very sensitive and easily hurt. In fact, I'm afraid of what he might do if I stopped pretending and telling him as close to what he wants to hear as I can. But stringing him along isn't fair either.

Rap