i spent time talking with my T today about how i would rather be dead. i have dealt with depression a large part of my life. i am doing well now and have been for quite a while, but still, although not suicidal anymore, i would rather be dead. i keep this part of myself stuffed away. but while my life carries no meaning, i have reached the point where i can agree the things i do in my life are meaningful. the interactions i have with people are meaningful. people value me today. i do good things. it has taken some time to get here, but i have gotten here.