I had a bad upbringing, there was a lot of rejection and emotional/physical abuse. My dad is a psychopath who has been in and out of prison and my mum is an alcoholic.

Sounds like you must have had a terrific childhood! Dang yo, I've heard horror stories about what it's like to live with an alcoholic parent...the **** gets crazy..they'll drive with you drunk, yell at ya when your supossed to be sleeping cuz it's freakin' 1:00am and kids are supossed to be asleep by then, dang man, that must have sucked! And then your dad was in and outta of prison, plus a psychopath? That can't be a good combination; must have be hard fer realz!

When i was younger my mum used to kick me out the house a lot, so i lived in the woods.

Ah...what?! o0; jeez, parents are the sole people responsible for making sure your takin care of; wtf man. Your not supossed to have to go about survival all on your own! I have to wonder as ****** as that was if it was the only break you got too in a way; an alcoholic is so not pleasant to be around.

This is when i first remember doing bad things, such as stealing food from neighbors, and furniture from dump sites.

Jeez ya gotta eat! You did what you had to at that point; it makes sense that it would carry into your adult life too-back then, whether or not you could successfully steal something determined whether or not you were gonna eat; no one deserves to live like that! I'm glad you were able to obtain food for yourself, and I'm so sorry that your parents were so neglectful to push you into that lifestyle.

I also used to steal money from my mother.

It was the least she could do.

Throughout school, i was often bullied because i was a loner.

If one is rejected by one or both parents, in this case, how is a kid supossed to know they're worth love? How are you supossed to know how to have good relationships, or care about yourself if your own parents don't? And society expects you to just pick yourself up and be normal?!

I got into a lot of trouble for fighting, general rudeness and stealing. I used to have a very bad temper and used to have a lot of violent outbursts -

The anger had to get out somewhere...I can't imagine holding that level of abuse in forever.

I was sent to a psychiatrist to have anger management classes. Nothing ever came of them.

Yeah I bet! Let me guess, they just wanted you to control yourself better so you are no longer a burden on society-the same message your mom must have given you when you got kicked out; (I'm assumming a lot here, so feel free to make corrections). And then most of those are in a group too, right? So you still never really get heard or have peeps understand what you've been through. You've been through a lot yo.

Teenage years haven't gone much better, i've been in constant trouble.

Oh man, you gotta watch that self savotage there; if your parents didn't take care of you and left it all up to you, then you are likely to stick to that plan of relying on yourself...especially if you learned that people sucked early on, and relying on someone else meant you got beat, starved, lied to, manipulted-alla that and who knows what else. I wouldn't exactly be trusting either!

I don't have a criminal record, but i've been close many times. I don't particularly want one either.

That's good, I'm glad you want better for yourself, you so do not deserve prison! You're gonna "pull" so to speak, for what is familiar to you-and it sounds like feeling like a bad kid might wind up in that catagory. For example, if all my parents ever did when I got mad at them was to be mad at me, then in my other relationships I'm going to try and recreate that. So I might approach someone in a way that would make them mad anyway...when really that person might not have that them of being mad when some gets mad-and they might actually sit down and talk with me about it; I donno how well I explained that lol; I miss my original post to this so much lol.

I'll admit to having a drinking problem,

damn that's badass lol; my buddy is sittin in jail, I get to visit her today-she got a dui and still feels that she does not have a drinking problem...cuz she doesn't wanna stop drinking..and who does when it's how ya cope. That's excellent though that you've gotten to that point.

i'm an obsessive thinker, it feels like i'm thinking about 100 things at once;

In analysis/fruedian ****- that translates to anxiety. Your defense mechanisms be helping you out...otherwise I thinkin' if everything just slowed down it would be massively overwheming to have to deal with everything.

constantly evaluating people and reading them,

Another thing you probably had to do just to protect yourself! Now it probabley serves other purposes as well, but you definitly had to have that skill in oder to not get screwed by peeps.

so drinking is my way of slowing myself.

That sucks so much. The one way you can actually let go and be yourself will end up screwing you over if you don't watch it. That's no way to live!

The last 4 years i've failed college 4 times, and have been living with my grandma, sister, and mother.

So you've been trying; living with family can really stir stuff up from the past too

So now you know a little about me - I'll go onto the "symptoms". I have stolen in the past, from people close to me, as well as from other sources.

Your childhood was "taken" from you-makes sense that you would want something back unconsciously? Plus when you had to steal just to be able to survive, it becomes the norm.

I haven't really done anything else which would be classed as illegal i don't think. This isn't anything bad, it's perfectly natural.

You're right-for you it had to be; stealing is another thing that was a way you took care of yourself-like the alcohol-but could also end up screwin ya over;

On the other hand, helping people has no buzz, so i don't see why people bother doing it.

Makes perfect sense to me. There is a thrill to stealing, the risk of getting caught, and, even moreso-stealing is a way you take care of yourself and it can feel quite empowering. Helping someone has no thrill, no way you can recreate the abuse of what was taken from you-additionally, who was there to help you? Anything that requires you not to be self sufficant (like sex) will be threatening. Help only hurt you in the past.

I do lie a lot, though strangely most of the time i don't do it consciously. It all seems to come naturally to me now, i do it without even thinking about it.

How far did honesty get you as a kid, and what good examples did you have? o0;

I constantly devise plans to trick people, or test people.

Now testing sounds like a boundry thing...I have to wonder if some of the acting out you did as a kid was not just to see if your parents would do anything-at least unconsciously. A good parent will punish in a way that is not abusive, but will help you understand that those actions will not do you any good later in life, so you can be successful.

I like to see what people will believe, and when they fall for my lies or i get them to do something.

What things were you made to belive, but they ended up being lies? You have to have some anger on this I would think. You have a reason to be angry for it all though. Seems like a good way to get people to feel what you felt since all they do is treat you like **** anyway, instead of stopping and trying to find out the "why" of your actions.

It makes me feel great and powerful.

Truly it must be so nice now to be on the otherside, and not have to be the one to go through all of that, ya know? If we don't work through our stuff, we can become our parents in a way too. And knowing that makes all the abuse you've already suffered-takes it to a whole 'nother level man. You are constantly paying the price for your parents neglect and abuse, and it freakin' sucks.

I often pretend to be depressed and shy - I've learnt that a lot of people are sympathetic towards me if i do, which allows me to get special treatment.

Your parents were the ones who were supossed to do that for you-that special treatment. Parent-child relationships are different from any other kind of relationship. Inother relationships, you may be pulling for a friend to be a mom or dad-but the friend can only be capable of being the friend..and so when they dissappoint you you will end up feeling the disappointment that you felt as a kid-you will prove that they don't care either. (really they do, but they can't give you what your parents were suppossed to...suckage!) It's crazy to that pretending is the only way to get treated like you want to be-because you deserve to be treated with respect and whatever it is that you are able to gain by doing that.

See society doesn't realize what peeps with antisocial disorder go through. All society sees is the acting out part (the anger dammit),
which is the fault of the parents-yet you guys end up pulling to take all the blame for it-cuz the actions are yours, but how else can you survive?

Strangely it also makes people trust you more, which is fun.

It's gotta be a nice change of pace for once!

I've also told college that i have Aspergers Syndrome, I even act out the symptoms, such as lack of eye contact to enforce the lie.

Man, believe it or not, it actually takes a lot of time and energy just to try and be treated like a human being. You may have gotten good at it, so it feels like nothing-and you may have fun doing it...but I gotta say, that is the bare friggin minimum yo. It sucks that I can walk down the hall and no one is gonna think anything bad of me, but you have to pretend to be shy in order to acheive the same thing. You deserve that sympathy.

My mum is involved with another sociopath, (Not my dad).

Woah! That has to spin you out for sure-I donno what your dad was like, but if your callin' both of these dudes a sociopath, they can't be nice lol.

She is such an easy target, she's upper class, very paranoid and obsessive, and most importantly VERY desperate for companionship. It's like the perfect target for a sociopath. Her boyfriend is obviously using her, she's blind do it to all. I've got him kicked out of her house at least, but they are still together.

Dang yo, still to this day you still hafta tend to her ****/arnt allowed to be able to take care of yourself. What could you have done with your time without all the added ******** this is creating? Your mom doesn't know what better for herself looks like. And because she can't take care of herself enough, you get pulled into it (volunterrily or not.) If your mom knew not to get involved in these types of relationships, you wouldn't have that to deal with as well. I wonder if growing up held similar patterns....not only did she not take care of you, you had to take care of her and her problems as well! wtf man.

On a similar note...it's crazy how this society only pays attention to how YOU are affecting THEM, not how THEY are affecting YOU...just like the neglect you recieved from your parents. If your parents cared, would the acting out stop, hurt be healed? If society cared, wouldn't the hurt stop, the stigma be healed? I believe it would.

I'm not sure if i should do anything else. Maybe my mum needs a harsh lesson to stop being so needy and leaving herself vulnerable. One the other hand, he's a douche - And i would love to see him burn to the ground. I guess i care a little?

Oh yikes- don't savotage yourself and pay for your mom's mistakes! Already because of her you could have something crazy like auto-theft on your record and be in jail; you've done good so far if your outta jail (or just not getting caught) but watch yourself yo, you don't deserve prison. As long as you know that, and want better for yourself, you may attract peeps in your life that can help you (and have it not be a bad thing!)

I have one good friend, He is a lot like me. Appears to me emotionally cold, and incredibly narcissistic.

At least life is consistent huh?

Recently, since we have been getting on so well, i decided to test his sympathy and see if he was caring. So i told him that i was kicked out my house and would have to quit college because i was homeless. I was fishing to see if he would invite me over and offer comfort. Turns out he did, which means he does care .. Which means i'm all alone. - I do feel very lonely sometimes.

Oh man! Knowing someone gives a **** means you're alone? That is so messed up; it makes sense though, after you explained what kinda **** you had to go through. So he broke the cycle huh? He was supossed to throw you out like your mom-how does it make you feel that he didn't? You were alone when you were thrown out-crazy recreation there. It must be threatening that he cares-I can't imagine that to be familiar at all...and you know what they say, something like what is unknown is the scariest thing to deal with. It does suck that your friend is cold and narcissitic-but it's so cool that you can relate a little or understand-and I'm not sure that you would have trusted anyone too nice....at least what you see is what you get to a better degree.

I'm not particularly violent anymore, my nasty streak seems to have mellowed,

hhmmm...where is that anger going? Watch yourself yo...that boyfriend of your mom's could stir up that anger.....

although i could be classed as a bit sadistic, but i only normally do malicious things when they are provoked. I haven't been in a fight for ages, although i often have strong urges to ..... people. I'm not going to be silly - I don't want to go to prison.

I'm glad your posting...it does provide another outlet.

When it comes to love and compassion, I do feel something. I don't know how to describe what i feel, but it's a possessive love.

Reminds me of the stealing theme..."possessing"..if you had nothing it's gotta feel great to have something. I donno if it's comforting, but I do feel theres hope that you could experience that someday. You have to "naturally" want better for yourself, "naturally" know you deserve better.

It feels like they are mine, and i have influence in their lives, and i like that thought.

With an alcoholic parent and a psychopathic dad-I can't imagine you felt like you could ever influence them any...whether it was to stop drinking, stay outta of jail...cuz if they had stopped doing alla that **** maybe they coulda been parents. (Although I bet it would still be abusive...they proly had a long way to go to be legite parents.)

It's like your pride possessions, like a fancy car or an awesome PC. You don't want them damaged or to lose them, but when you do it's not the end of the world.

It would suck so much if you finally could trust that someone is not gonna screw you or treat you like ****, and then have it suddenly turn again, or have them croak on you. That's why you can only afford to put so much energy into caring about someone. If you care then you really can be back as a kid, back into that desolute, helpless, vulnerable position. I think that is why you don't like seeing your mom vulnerable either-too close for comfort.

Regarding sexual promiscuity which is apparently a common symptom - I'm non-sexual, never had any sexual attractions!

I'm thinking that would involve an uncomfortable level of intimacy. Blah yo, when intimacy and trust is there-it can be one of the greatest feelings, I hope you are able to experince that one day. Anything like it would proly come off to you as a trick...so you may actually avoid these good types of relationships because it is so unfamiliar to what you're used to.

I don't think i care about anyone, i've shut off a lot of people out of my life, and never cared about not seeing them again. When people close to me die, although disappointing - It doesn't bother me.

What would happen if it did bother you? I can imagine it would be intense!

Was getting long, honestly i could have written 100x more than this .. Just love writing my thoughts.

Oh man, I sure hope you post again...I know some peeps have said some not so understanding things...(forgive my passive aggression but DAMN.) But the way you are writing-talking about the details of what it is like-truly offers some insight even if others are blind to it.

Thanks to anyone who read this, and to anyone who answers. I'll answer any questions.