I feel as though I can really relate to what you said. You need to take stock in how far you have come and what this means in your recovery from mania. I have a family history of the disease and when I think back to similarities with my cousin (currently untreated, self-medicated, and involved in an unhealthy marriage) and when she attempted suicide or was manic, I get a real chill and feel guilty. You just have to realize how far you have come, though.

*hugs*