ugh.
I am doing really good work right now with T, Pdoc and massage T, REALLY good work. Not everyone inside is holding up so well. I'm sorry I can't explain "the work" right now but it is really triggering inside and things are ouchie enough.
Usually I do well with my antidepressant and my anxiety med (Valium) which is "as needed". I have been on the anxiety med for 7 (?) years now and it has totally changed my life. I don't typically use it much and 98% of the time it takes care of the anxiety with no side effects.
With this new work I am both terrified (like, more scared than the times I had people try to kill me) AND 100X more excited than a kid at Christmas. Inside is a total mess. Some are happy, scared, terrified, angry, rebellious... name an emotion and I can show you the part(s)!
When I am like this, with mixed emotion not just anxiety my anxiety med creates problems. It does have dis-inhibiting effects as well as being linked to increased depression. I have parts that are sui right now, parts that want to SI (I have no history of SI), parts struggling with addiction (?! They are craving cigarettes even though I am an extreme asthmatic and have never smoked! there are other cravings too but that one is the worst) and parts that are really depressed. I know I can't take my anxiety med without creating problems.
I called Pdoc 2 days ago to get klonopin which we had talked about using before when she was worried I may have built a tolerance to the med I am on. No call back, no script. Called again and left a message this AM. I feel bad because it is not an 'emergency' but I am SO uncomfortable!
Other snafoo... Pdoc doesn't know there are parts (although she may have figured it out herself, wouldn't put it past her). Tried talking to T about the parts and she said "I don't work with parts it is too messy". Well that was 3 years ago and I still have parts upset about it (mostly about being called messy. T works with the parts if she knows it or not, she hasn't figured out how to tell us part ). Massage T saw the parts and she brought it up and things are good there. I am still terrified to tell Pdoc about the parts. It is not a diagnosis that is "in my chart".

ICK

Right now I am getting by because I saw massage T Tuesday and will see her later today. Seeing her every couple of days is keeping things manageable... BUT... it is $90 a session and my budget is shot. She also doesn't work again until Tuesday!

This is SO F*ing uncomfortable!!!!

The work is good work and it isn't even trauma work or anything that 'should' be upsetting. This makes it hard because friends don't understand why I need so much support right now when it is good stuff. Especially after all the hell I have been through with very little support in the past. Everyone on my "treatment team" is trying REALLY hard to help pace things at a pace I can manage. My body/emotions aren't cooperating. I have been trying to do this work since 1994 and when the door opened just a crack the flood waters started pouring through. I am trying to use my CBT stuff but it doesn't seem to work the same for this as it did when I was struggling with PTSD.

Blah, Blech, harumph!