Because of the weirdness of the therapeutic relationship, this is the only place I can talk about something like this. I tend to have an obsession with age, date, time, numbers etc. and have a bit of a photographic memory. I notice coincidences and parallels all the time, like Jung's idea of "synchronicity." A lot of the things I beat myself up for are related to our western "linear" sense of time, rather than the internal clock we all have that tells you when you feel like you're ready to do something. For example, I used to think "oh, I'm 25 and still living at home with mom and I just finished college" or "I'm 29 and I've never been in a romantic relationship, that's so weird".

I started seeing T 10 years ago next month. This momentous anniversary coincides with my 30th birthday. I finally worked up the nerve to ask T if I could see her around my birthday and I made a point of explaining why. She said, "oh that's fine, sure, thanks for telling me that." As a matter of fact, the first time I walked into her office, it was exactly 1 day after my 20th birthday and this special occasion will be exactly 1 day before my 30th birthday.

Needless to say, a lot of s*** has gone down between now and then.

The most dramatic change was the loss of my father. He drove me to my first appointment on that day, and I remember the whole morning. A year later, he was dead.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I want to make this visit a really good one [as good as it can possibly be within the context of a therapy session, because I know this isn't a party]. Do you know what I mean? There's so much I want to say at this visit that I don't know where to begin. She's been the one constant in my life this whole time, other than my mother, in terms of constant interaction. Childhood friends, as well as my sister, have come and gone and you just lose touch. People come in and out of your life for one reason or another, you know? It's hard to describe because she's not a friend, but it's not really a business relationship either like your MD, lawyer, financial advisor etc. because of the intense level of human interaction in the service she's providing. I guess the closest thing I can think of is a teacher-student relationship, maybe.

I don't have a desire to give T a gift or token, or even a hug per se, but I want to do something...I just don't know what. I want to ask her how it feels for her to have watched me grow up, I suppose, and how she thinks I've changed...her first impressions of me as a "kid". "So, do you really like me? Did you like me when you first met me?" haha.

We've just been working together for a very long time.