I was with my T on Monday, and we were getting things done.....My cell phone rang, I let it go to voice mail. After my session was over, we retrieved it I found out that one of my abusers had died at age 98. I had so many feelings...joy, sadness, pain etc. On the drive home my body shifted into being afriad and the body rememberance started. I could not figure out what to do. He was a uncle who was of course well respected in the family by so many... but he makde my younger years miserable. No one believed me when I use to tell them he was hurting me as a young child. I was never little, just a chubby little kid. I spent so many of my young years just hiding from people. So many just wanted to hurt me and they did. I was called names, like darky, big, too tall. It was not a fun time, I never had fun without pain. I have wanted to die since childhood. I just wanted to go away forever. I didn't, I am still in a mess, I have the same feelings as an adult...pain, fear, not feeling wanted by most. Today I thought the voices and noise in my head are so loud..It is hard to concentrate when so many are giving me ideas and things for me to say. I really just want the pain to stop it is hard for me to sit. He is the second to die, in my very long line of abusers.....
I still have questions as an adult...

What makes us a target when we are so young?
Why is it neccessary for us to hurt?
Who would want such damaged goods?

Thank you guys for listening, just needed a place to vent.

Lilith