It takes a long time to iron out all the symptoms of PTSD. Often people are so unaware they even have it yet struggle with symptoms anyway. I can raise my hand on that one. And even when I was diagnosed with it I really thought I would just get over it in time. I had no idea how much it had been a part of me. Only now that I know all the symptoms and a build up that can occur without one knowing it, I can see the times in my life that I was struggling with it and just thinking I was just struggling with another bad experience handed to me and I would have to find a way to get through it.

You have to discuss the symptoms that are still causing problems for you. I often feel like it is a circle of emotions that start with some kind of trigger that starts a process of reactions that are not necessarily consciously recognized.

To be honest, I was not aware I had so many triggers. I had to really address the bad days and consciously go through the activities and experiences up to that bad day. So actually keeping a daily journal would probably be helpful to you. You could jot down the days events and interactions with others and everything that passed through your mind. Usually a trigger event can happen or even several events that build up without you knowing to a day where you suddenly feel a lot of anxiety or very down and even angry or have symptoms of a rage that is trying to come out.

The more you begin to understand the things that trigger you, the more you can concentrate on addressing issues before they build up. It is becoming more self aware than you have ever been in life. And it does take time to really understand how things in your past have somehow planted automatic responses you were never consciously aware of.

I have to say that once I had a major event that made it impossible to ignore the PTSD I really felt betrayed somehow. I was always very productive and worked very hard to push my way through a lot of the bad experiences I endured in my life. It is almost as if all the bad experiences never really get dealt with, they just seem to go in a certain place in the brain and accumulate. And often the individual is completely unaware that this takes place. And then for some reason something occurs that brings it all to the surface where an individual starts to be overwhelmed and has real trouble with all the emotions that are in those experiences as well.

I have to say for myself, I have felt completely betrayed by thinking I had coped and yet somehow I didn't. And I even have anger and moments of rage about it. And that makes it hard for me because when the rage comes out it is as if a title wave comes and I can't stop it. And after it comes out I end up with deep regrets and confusion. And there is fear as well because of the seemingly lack of control over it.
And along with that comes a sort of withdrawl from others because of the confusion about these emotions that seem to come from nowhere. And then a deep shame is felt along with a question of ones own abilities to have a clear mind and understanding of oneself. And along with that comes a questioning of inner strength and self worth and a self blaming also appears. And the anger builds up inside because of the sense of lack of control and questioning of oneself.

I know my own questions, "Why is this happening", "Why cant I get a handle on it", "Am I losing it?", "I don't understand, I thought I handled it" " Why cant I seem to get through this", "What is going on with me?", "Why cant I have any forward momentum?" "I am the problem, it is my fault, I am so stupid, what was I thinking?" "Why did I have to be abused?" "Why didn't I get what I needed, was I never worth it?" "Why can't I seem to be what everyone wants, what I want?"
"I just feel like I mess up all the time even though I try and why do I have a stamp on my forehead that means abuse me?" And these are just a few of the questions that come to mind.

This is a very troubling state to be in and this PTSD is so hard to explain to others it becomes so frustrating. And even when you try to explain it everyone has these suggestions that you have already tried and they havent worked. And that in itself is so frustrating. This is when you really have to get help and support. So coming here is good for you because you will find others that are facing the same issues and you begin to realize your not alone and there are ways to work at resolving it.

And basically you are going to face a journey of understanding yourself and how your past has affected you in ways you are not aware of. And that the same things happen to others and your not really losing your mind. And your not a bad person or a failure. You have just reached a stage where cup runith over so to speak and now your going to have to consciously address it and learn how to control it.

And the truth is that many people have it that dont realize it. And as you take time to understand how it all accumulated and never got addressed properly you will end up being a stronger person.

Many people are taught to just deal and move on. And that is exactly what most people try to do. And most people are totally unaware that a build up is taking place. And alot of it is normal because as we experience things in our lives that harm us or cause us to be stressed or challenged and hurt we often make great efforts to somehow push it aside and continue to press forward. And the truth is, yes, it all gets pushed aside and slowly builds up without us being totally aware of it.

And recovery is about going back and addressing the things in our past that we somehow pushed aside or didn't really address or maybe didn't really understand to some degree. And it is making a conscious effort to perhaps clean up the emotional accumulation of experiences we didn't really address properly. And we have to be willing to accept that it was truely not our fault, we just didn't know how to address whatever it was correctly.

There is a reason why it is important to get the right therapist that can slowly walk us through our past issues and have time to morn them and deal with the ways they really affected us. And it is because there is no more room for suppression and we need help sorting it out so that depression will set in as a result of exhaustion.

As we grow and develope we are often not taught how to really address issues we face in our lives. So we tend to develope methods on our own that involve surpression and we just don't realize it.

So if you have symptoms you should still be seeking therapy so that you can figure out what is causing these symptoms so you can begin to consciously address the build up in a much healthier way. And, it does take time and it doesn't mean your a failure personally. PTSD comes in varying degrees and for as many people who find out they have it, there are still others that do experience it on levels they are not aware of yet.

Now that I am aware of what it is and all the symptoms of it, I can see that I have dealt with it for a long time until I experienced something that brought it to the point where I could no longer manage it.

When I first came to PC I was given a definition of PTSD as a type brain injury. I had posted my thoughts on that at the time and I was debated. And it is not the same as experiencing an actual brain injury due to a blow to the head or some type of toxic exposure etc. So that would be correct it is not that kind of injury. So I haven't quite figured out what other word I could use to incapsulate the diagnoses of PTSD.

I have addressed various emotional issues that are described by others, including a stange sense of guilt. And I do know that feeling, it is very hard to understand. As human beings we all struggle with trying to gain a control over our lives. And we often learn that it is difficult as none of us can predict the things that we will experience in our lives. And we are never going to be perfect, no one is, no one does life perfectly. And no one is unaffected by life experiences that challenge us and even present great struggles that bring out emotions that we often somehow surpress unknowingly. What I do understand now is that we are what we know, so the only real answer is to continue to work at understanding that we must allow ourselves to continue to learn and understand we can know differently and overcome what we didn't know in our past.

The one thing that is a must in getting better is to learn how to not be angry about your life for the rest of your life. And that is no easy feat. Meditation is essential and has been proven to really help the brain, it has even been studied to the point where it has been seen to cause a reduction in the area of the brain where stress originates. And we have to be willing to accept the things we cannot change in our past and learn one day at a time. And if you whisper to yourself, oh, this is hard, I can tell you, ME TOO. I am trying too one day at a time and I am still learning. And I am spending time here just to let you know, your not alone someone here understands and you can come here for support when you need it.

Open Eyes