Hi Pinache, wow, nobody responded to this? Anyway, I was drawn to your post because I have similar issues with my past - it just rung a bell with me.

My three most abusive exes are far in the past - like, ten years ago and more. But they still haunt me. They bring up all kinds of things for me - guilt that I somehow wasn't good enough, rage when I realize that I was fine and they were abusive, regret that the relationships failed, confusion over why they targeted me, fear that I'm still "giving out signals" as my deluded parents used to say, and that I'm continuing to attract negative men and bad karma wherever I go.

My husband is loving and supportive, as is your new boyfriend. It think it's totally natural to be worried that you'll be sucked back into the vortex of drama and old emotions from the past. When we don't resolve past issues, it's really really really hard to move on from them. You can't really get closure from something without understanding it.

And closure is invoked way too much anyway. It's not actually a cure-all. I'd go as far as to say that MOST experiences in our lives are not amenable to closure. It's one of the sparkly fixits that new age self-help gurus are constantly spouting, and I hate it. So to hell with closure

Anyway, you didn't bring up closure, I did! What I'm trying to say is that our past experiences are part of us. Our histories ARE who we are. You can't selectively cut out bad memories by removing brain parts, practicing affirmations, or anything else.

One thing that does help? Time. Time. Time. These wounds of yours are still fresh.

I can still call up pain about the terrible guys who wasted my time and shattered my life back in the day, but the fact is I'm still here. And each year that passes feels better. It does get better. I know it hurts though.

My last thought would be - what is it about your situation with the ex that bothers you the most? Are you afraid your new boyfriend will start acting like this guy? Was your self-esteem so shattered that you're having trouble believing your new man really cares about you? Are you afraid your rage will begin to compromise your new relationship? (Your phrase "bleeding into" cued that one)

I think our brains tend to fixate, as you put it, because we crave to learn from our experience. So often, failed relationships just make NO SENSE. Other people are extremely mysterious - intractably so sometimes. People don't even know why they do the things they do themselves. Trying to figure them out from the outside is tempting and engrossing, sometimes entertaining. But do we ever really come to know one another?

Ha ha, I'm getting way off track here. But I'd like to hear your response to this if you care to update. Good luck - k.