He says he is going a lot of thinking, that he's going through a transformation. He needs counseling, there is no doubt about that in my mind because he has depression (long-term) and suicidal thoughts at times. However, it seems more and more to me that he refuses to accept that he needs help as much or more than I do. In this email he sent last night, the hardest thing to read was that he is taking my suggestions that he needs help in the wrong way. He thinks I am blaming him for what I did. I can't be with him if he won't get help and I don't know if he will. He doesn't think I have the right to make such demands since I'm the one who cheated. He thinks I'm the one with all the problems.

Oh, one more thing that is complicating things is that I was blacked out when I cheated. I never get that drunk, I don't know how it happened. But, I remember very little of what was going through my head when I did it. What my feelings were or how I justified it. So it's hard to know exactly why. Still, I'm working on it using what I do know about how I was feeling in general before that night. I do remember thinking that as long as I didn't have sex with the guy, I wouldn't feel guilty enough to have to tell my boyfriend. I sure was wrong about that.

I'm going to see my counselor on Monday. I'm so ashamed to tell him why I'm there... but I suppose I have to.