Hello, I am new here and a little nervous. I am 22,and since around the age of 17 or 18, I had this "phobia" of being a pedophile. I don't tell many people, because people make this assumption that I am. I had this fear, because all my life I could never understand how people can be so sick and evil to hurt an innocent child. So I said to myself, imagine being the most evil and repulsive thing on this earth, and presto my fear begun.

As a college student, I never had a relationship with a woman, and I am still a virgin. So often, I get "urges". I try not to be a chronic masturbator, so I do it about once or twice a month. Sometimes I can go for 6 months without it. Anyway, my fear of pedophiles scare me so much, that the unthinkable happens. When I fantasize about women during masturbation, sick images of kids cross my mind. The more I try to refrain from them, the more they pop in. I never fondled, molested, or beat a child nor ever intend to. As a sociology major I even hope to work with them. A lot of children are being taken advantage of, and I hoped to look after them some day.

I once spoke to a college counselor who mentioned the difference between merging "reality and fantasy." In fact I even got mad, because I said this is Not a fantasy. There unwanting thoughts that interrupt my healthy fantasies. I can't figure out, if I would never hurt a child, why do I feel as if I just committed the most evil act ever?