Started a different anti anxiety med last night. I am supposed to take more this morning but I have a migraine (storms) and can't keep anything down. At least last night the new med didn't throw me into the uncontrollable crying fits the other med was. The other med works great for biological/chemical anxiety... like when I have a panic attack because it is trash day and there are trash bins at the curb (things that don't make sense). This anxiety is different though. It makes sense. I am pushing my comfort zone, learning new things and trying things again that caused pain in the past (they shouldn't have caused pain but they did). I am really glad that Pdoc trusts me even though I know she wonders. But sometimes I am depressed because of brain chemistry and sometimes I am depressed because things really do suck. Sometimes I am anxious because of brain chemistry and sometimes I am anxious because things really are friggin scarey!

I know it might seem strange I posted this here when it may have made more sense in psychotherapy or meds but there is a parts component here too. I know I am safe, I know this is good, I know this is the right thing to be doing. The parts that took all the bad stuff for me though are not so sure. There are so many parts with so many really good reasons to think this is bad and dangerous. And, when they were created it would have been really bad, it would have been really dangerous but it isn't now. Massage T, T, and Pdoc are all safe and loving. They wont let anything happen to us. Especially massage T. So, while I can use good coping/self care skills to keep myself going the mob growing behind me was too much for me to manage without extra help.