Quote:
Originally Posted by StrongerMan
Rubyindie,
You have hit upon the frustrating push/pull behavior of the narcissist. With its accompanying idealization and devaluation. The fact that you can identify these types of toxic behaviors and reject them shows you are a more emotionally healthy, mature and available person. The truth is that these people need love, compassion and emotional intimacy just like everyone else. The devastating and sad problem is that they cannot accept it. To do so would leave them vulnerable to the pain, wounding and fear of abandonment/engulfment they have been desperately trying to avoid since childhood. They are not going to allow themselves to be hurt/injured ever again. This is the pact they have made with the devil inside them. They learned as a child that love and affection was conditional upon conforming to the parent's wishes. When they marched in line, they found acceptance. When they stood up for their own beliefs or desires, they were shunned and shamed. So while they want you on one hand for a relationship and what that can give them (ideal "love"), they will constantly fight tooth and nail against losing control and actually needing you. Needing someone is far too threatening and risky to them. Hence the pull to keep you from abandoning/injuring them and the push to protect themselves from being vulnerable. We mistake the pull for love. And the push is, of course, abusive. But it is really all about the narcissist. They have a fail-safe defense. Either way, they will not be hurt. Heads they win, tails you lose. But they can never truly love in an emotionally mature way. That is a language they simply do not speak.
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As you seem to be very knowledgeable I would like to see if you can identify this man I had been seeing.
We met online and after about a month decided to see each other. Our first meet was to just have a drink and get to know each other. We sat at the back of a nicer type bar with couches where it was very private. I did notice he didn't have a lot of eye contact with me...and was feeling maybe he wasn't that interested. It got better toward the end and he walked me to my car and asked if I was interested in another date...surprised as his body language didn't convey a lot..but I said Yes..I think i would. So we again met ..in the city this time and walked around....he walks very fast as though we must quickly get somewhere. Again...not a lot of eye contact. ?? We enjoyed the day and things kinda moved fast...and I think it was more on my part...and I wasn't sure why...but it did. For whatever reason I felt some sort of attraction/pull toward him. I should say that I am a warm/giving/compassionate type person...but not submissive. I am in a management position career wise...but like a man that can take a bit of control. I don't want to manage things there. I could feel a certain sadness in him...and maybe that was the attraction...I can be a "fixer" type. I also sensed a sensitive man.
We had a second date ...driving around....a place by the lake and a wonderful afternoon that was soo intimate and he opened up to me about things....and I was falling for him. A few more times together before something new. A day that started out fine....by lunch his head was out the window...hardly any conversation or eye contact. I blew it off. We were to have a beautiful evening at a very very nice hotel. He was not a man to smile a lot...but hardly a smile at all...and no physical contact at all. I did try to talk to him and the things he said were odd. I found out some things that day....how he liked to do certain drugs...mushroom/mj. I knew he drank vodka quite a bit already and gambled a lot...but no debt...he admitted he was always chasing the high. He is a very wealthy man....and sad sad. He also hired prostitutes upon occasion....and one he had a lot. Yes I found out a lot that day. I left the next morning without even getting up to say goodbye. I emailed him later as I just didn't want to talk to let him know how upset I was and did not feel this was a healthy relationship or me anymore. He responded with how it was just an abheration and I had just never seen him like that before..that he can be like that. (??) Like it wasn't personal. Also how I WAS healthy for him. Well...let's just say the next few months were back and forth with similar things and it finally ended as I was feeling drained and tired of being confused about the relationship...and not feeling like I could rely on or trust him. So who is this man. He is selfish...sad sad sad...depressed...feels unworthy....uses vices to self soothe or forget...rich...his parents did not express loving emotions toward him....they were rich also... says he really doesn't love anyone. He does for HIMSELF. It is kind of like this love/hate for himself. He is not outwardly mean....but can say something that makes me feel like I am not enough. He likes to be around beautiful people and has told me that more than once. I do not know much of personality disorders...and at one time thought him to be bit narcissistic...but from other posts...I have never seen him aggressive in any way....just sad and a fearful look in his eyes that makes me so so sad. I just want to wrap my arms around him and make it go away....and I know that sounds strange. I was smart enough to get out of that situation, but will always feel a pull toward him that I have to resist.