I don't usually come here on Sunday.

But I had a bad episode today.

I did not SI in a life-threatening way.

But I started to SI again just because I had trouble understanding instructions. I have so much trouble interpreting computer words.

A tape kept playing in my head, "Billi you are sooooo STUPID. When are you ever ever going to do something right?!!!! Can't you organize something right? Gd, Billi! You dont' even deserve the name Billi!!!"

And I started SI'ing.

I have stopped.

I am okay.

My roommate came in and held down my arms.

I told him, "why the h can't I give myself the breaks I give other ppl?"

I started crying.

I am okay now.

I have been much better with my SI, but it still lurks.

And the verbal messages are still very strong.

The bottom line is, I don't feel I can ever afford not to be perfect---esp at something that is important to me.

I was loved only when I did good things or did things right.

When I didn't, I was ignored or punished or called stupid.

And it was hard work just to stay at zero.

Billi