I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this on here seeing how my issue is more medical than it is psychological, for lack of better terms because I do know the two are interconnected. I'm just feeling really hopeless and alone and need to vent everything somewhere I guess since I can't really talk to anyone about this in my life...no one understands, and truthfully, none of you probably will either.

I'll try not to get too in detail because this has been going on ever since I was like 14 years old, so there are a LOT of details. Essentially, I started all of a sudden having really scary health symptoms when I was in the 9th grade...I'm 22 now. I was afraid of going to a doctor then because I was stupid and scared of what I'd find out, and I thought that if I just prayed a lot I'd be healed. Now that 8 years have gone by and things have gotten REALLY bad, I'm scared because I know the prognosis will be horrible, and I know my dad is going to tell me what an idiot I am for refusing to go to a doctor all these years, and it's gonna shake up my whole family, and...yeah.

I'm so sick of everyone telling me it's all in my head or it's anxiety. Anxiety doesn't cause you to randomly one day lose your sense of taste. Anxiety doesn't make you have really intense pain in a very specific spot on your head. Anxiety doesn't cause your skin all over your body to feel numb. Anxiety doesn't give you the balance, coordination,memory and focus problems I have. Anxiety doesn't cause you to have difficulty pronouncing words that never gave you trouble before.

I'm about 95% certain I have a brain tumor. It's the only condition that really fits my symptoms, and it just keeps getting worse.

I honestly just don't have any desire to live anymore. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this. NOTHING is enjoyable for me anymore. I'm worried 24/7 because I never know when the next symptom is going to strike or what it's going to be. I hate feeling trapped in a body that keeps betraying me. I can't date because what guy wants to be with a girl who lays in her bed crying day in and day out, and I can't go out to hang out with what 'friends' I have b/c we're at an age where everyone's idea of fun is going out drinking and things along those lines, and I can't consume alcohol without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I went from being a girl who was afraid of literally nothing...I would go ride the steepest roller coaster 8 times in a row and go walking by myself in a bad area of town...to a girl who's afraid of leaving her house because she never knows when she's going to start feeling confused or like she may pass out. My life is such a lie..people think I don't do a lot of things because I don't like them or don't want to, but the truth is I don't do a lot of things I used to love because I can't do them without feeling sick.

Anyway, sorry for taking up your time if you read all of this; there's nothing any of you can really do to help me (besides pray I suppose), but thanks for letting me vent anyway.