Yes. At this point, I am coping with the loss of the expectations of relationship and intimacy. I think I am still holding onto some hope for that, but would feel better if I could let go of that hope.

Right now, it is the witnessing part that I am talking about. I want to be available to witness all aspects of her journey, including the hard times. I guess that, my way is to allow people to have their hard feelings, stay with them through that moment, allow them to experience it, and follow up with the words of encouragement. I don't want to sweep the feelings under the rug. She has said that she doesn't allow people to see her sad and scared feelings. I think her default is anger and aggression... Though, this time, there is nobody she can direct that towards.

We aren't really talking or communicating at all right now. I'm wondering if I should let her push me away, or if I should push back, tell her i'm not going anywhere.

Should I send her a letter that explains why it's hard for me to push away the unpleasant feelings? Tell her I'm going to back off, and leave it to her to contact me? Tell her that if she needs to be with somebody who will sit with her and hold her in her fear and sadness instead of pushing it away, I'll be available? Should I just disappear without explanation? Should I try to give her what she's asking for?

At this point, all of this may be irrelevant...