Yes, absolutely, yes, I can relate. And for exactly the same reason. My father had, and still has, a great deal of narcissistic behaviours that have been very damaging to my family, and the man I lived with and almost married at 19 was a very frightening narcissist. Being raised by someone like that breaks the part of you that is supposed to keep you safe, so that when you get into relationships you don't see the warning signs, and get hurt over and over because you don't know you don't have to.
I feel bad for the woman he married after me because he did some horrible things to her as well. They make you feel like you are crazy. They make you feel like everything is your fault. They make you feel weak, stupid, useless and unlovable. You are never sure whether the next thing you do or say will be the "wrong" thing, and who knows what will happen next? It's exhausting and terrifying. It's like being a hostage. And in the end you are left empty and confused, and if you manage to get out it takes a long, long time to get better.
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TRIGGER ALERT below)
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Sexually, things were great at first, but as time went on he made me feel entirely undesirable, and when I begged for attention he sexually assaulted me. I had nightmares about that incident. I had nightmares for a long time about the entire relationship, and about things I was afraid would happen, tortured by my own subconscious. I could feel no sexual desire for four years after I left him; I couldn't even think about sex without crying.
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Trigger alert over!)
I was terrified of him. He never hit me, but he pushed me and was violent with objects, and his behaviour was very threatening. If he had hit me, I would have left him, and it would have been so much easier. But the wounds didn't show on the outside.
After I left him he stalked me, and I had to spend nights at work because I was too afraid to leave the building, even after people would go out and lie for me and tell him I wasn't there. I would get sick to my stomach if he came into my workplace, and the staff would always warn me so that I'd know not to go out there. After he was married he brought his daughter in, and I had to tell the staff not to serve him or he would drink and drive with her.
And even years after I moved from that town, he was calling my parents in the middle of the night and hanging up. That's how his wife (whom he married about a year after I left) got a hold of me and told me all the horrible things that were happening to her, after she saw all of the late night calls on the phone and found out who they were to. She found out a lot of things about other women he had been with as well, told me the truth about women he had seen before me (restraining order!) and women he had seen WHEN WE WERE STILL TOGETHER that I didn't know about, including his wife! They have since divorced, and who knows how many women have been through this since.
Even after all this time - it has been almost a decade - I thought I saw him last winter and was shaking with fear. I don't even know if it was really him. But I've been paranoid that he would find out where I live, that he knows where I work, or that he will one day decide that all the trouble he's gotten himself into since is somehow my fault and will hunt me down.
Ugh. Anyway, I'm working on all of this stuff with my T, and I have to work through my issues with my dad before I can figure out how to stop all of this from happening again.
So yes, I get it. And I'm very sorry you are experiencing this. I found this site a few years after that relationship ended, and for the first time I realized that
it was not my fault, and
I wasn't alone.
http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/
Here at PC, it's good to be able to talk to other people who know you are not crazy too!