They say that the narcissist or any of the PD's with narcissistic traits actually targets or is drawn to a certain type of person. This is possibly someone they sense will tolerate them long enough to commit in some form or fashion. This person will put up with their bad behavior and continue to provide the approval and compliance (supply) they need to actually survive emotionally. They sort of know a sucker when they see him or her. But the "sucker" in this case is not a stupid or naive person at all. They at worst could be accused of caring too much, being too loyal, wanting to believe that people are innately good. They may have dealt with abuse or trauma as a child and have established keen coping skills that make them somewhat immune and more tolerant of it as an adult. So they let the red flags slide and try to focus on bringing out the good in their partner. They hope beyond all hope that this person they invested so much in will somehow "figure it out" and become the emotionally mature, empathic, introspective "soul mate" they are longing for. The codependent person will eventually bury themselves entirely in order to provide for the NPD's needs. Healthier victims will usually balk at the abuse before too long and end up being tossed on the trash heap of D&D (to their benefit).

ArianLotus, don't feel guilty about how you acted in this relationship. You did the best you could with the limited weapons at your disposal to combat what this person was throwing at you. You were not "spineless" at all. You were courageous in fighting back against the abuse and giving this man multiple chances. I may be biased, but I think people who are most negatively and deeply affected by PD's (apart from codependents) have the most desirable qualities in a partner. They don't view people as all or nothing and good or bad. They demand a higher form of love and intimacy based on emotional maturity and honesty. When their partner begins to betray their trust with abuse, they try to deal with it logically, maturely and empathically. Unfortunately, it is usually too much for most people to deal with. They either become codependent, flee feeling confused and dazed (narc'd) or, if lucky, read a book, talk to a friend or find an online forum or article that gives them that "lightbulb" moment revealing exactly what it is they are up against. They can then at least make informed decisions about how to handle the abuse and remain safe and healthy while remaining in the relationship. Or they will determine they simply need to call it quits. Knowledge is power when dealing with a crazy making person.