Sorry in advance for the length of this post I just feel like background information is needed.

I was physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused as a child. The physical abuse was pretty severe punishment for little things that a simple explanation could have fixed. For example, I was electrocuted for talking "too loud." All this went on for over half of my existence. Because of that I have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and social anxiety disorder.

Later I married an abusive man because I thought I wouldn't find anyone better and I believed that would be better than going through life alone. He got a job in a city across the state so when he moved I happily stayed behind.

All I have ever heard is how stupid, ugly, fat, disgusting, worthless, etc that I am from my husband and my family. After he moved I started talking to a man that I had went to elementary school and high school with. Everything he said was the complete opposite of what I had always been told so I naturally wanted to be with him even though I knew it was wrong. I am now pregnant with his child and he is treating me just as bad or worse in some cases than my husband did. In my haste for love and acceptance I did not see the monster that was hidden beneath the lies.

Now I don't know what to do. I know what I did was very wrong. I have never ever done anything like this before. I have always been very aware of the consequences of my actions and would have never done anything to hurt anyone else like I have now (my unborn baby). I always took everything into consideration before doing anything. I would rather hurt myself by being alone and miserable except for the two times I was stupid and weak and married my husband and was with this man.

I just don't know what to do with my baby. I love her SO much and I want to raise her but I have many problems with this. 1) I just graduated college and I do not have a job. I am looking but not having any luck. 2) I don't know what is acceptable behavior for a child or rather when a child is misbehaving and should be scolded. I have no idea since nothing was acceptable in my family growing up. I do not believe in hitting a child for any reason but I also don't want to be giving time outs for minor things that don't really matter. And I don't want my depression to effect her in any way. 3) I have no support whatsoever. I don't speak to my family anymore and I don't have any friends because I am so shy. I am tired of doing this alone and she isn't even born yet. 4) I don't want the father involved in her life. He has told me on many occasions that he will not sacrifice anything for her or anyone else for that matter. He says that he doesn't love me and he never wanted to be with me and does not want her. He has said from day one to abort her (I completely disagreed to that) and is now saying that I just need to put her up for adoption because both of us are horrible people and would make terrible parents. Then when I started talking to an adoption agency he said that "come hell or high water" his family was going to take her before I would be able to place her with some strangers. His mother is an alcoholic and his grandmother is in her 80's. They certainly are not the kind of people I would want raising my baby. The whole point of me putting her up for adoption would be so she had a mom and a dad who were stable otherwise I would keep her myself so his family taking her defeats that purpose. I send him articles about parenting all the time and he always replies with "I know this. It is all common sense." (He obviously has zero experience with children) Then he tells me that he is going to be a bad father because he is not willing to do those things. I don't know why he would just accept being a bad father. Anyways, I tell him he does not have to have anything to do with her at all. He won't have to pay child support or have to visit her or anything but he refuses to just walk away like that. I don't understand. I think it would be better for her to have no father than one that is not willing to do anything for her because it is an inconvenience to him and it is not his ideal situation. He is very hung up on this fantasy of a perfect life. He honestly believes a perfect life exists. I don't know how to work anything out with him because he isn't happy with any option given to him and flat out refuses them all. I was asking my lawyer about it and she said he has no rights in this state even after she is born. I am pretty sure that is incorrect information but I am not a lawyer so I don't know. I have read on many websites that he has no rights until she is born. (His attitude completely changed after we found out that I was pregnant. Before he would always tell me that I would be an amazing wife and mother and so on.)

Anyways I don't know what to do. I want to keep her and I am willing to go to parenting classes to learn how to be a good parent. I am looking really hard for a job and a place to live (my house is going to be sold as part of the divorce and the money split). I am willing to do anything and everything it takes to be a good mom to her--even if it means giving her up for adoption. I know it is my decision to make but I would love to hear different opinions and some good advice.

Thanks so much.