HI melancholy65. I am sorry for not being able to post sooner.

I had a similar childhood with an alcoholic father who was very critical of me. The only words I heard from him were to correct me for something I had done wrong or not good enough. I was never good enough. So, I grew up being somewhat timid and afraid to try new things. I didn't get the crucial "just do it!" vitamin when I needed it most. Even though I have gone through therapy many times to overcome my issues of being an acoa, and am worlds better for it, it still resonates in my everyday life. It is a never-ending struggle it seems. We can get better but never are entirely whole.

With regards to relationships, this translated for me to a kind of a reactive, "take what comes to me" persona vs. going out and getting the type of person I desire. I tend to think that this is what causes the sensitive, caring, intuitive, deep thinking and feeling types to, not so much be attracted to narcissistic people, but to be most deeply affected by them. We end up in therapy most often for it. How this all unfolds can be obvious in hindsight. A narcissist will come and pick us. We don't have to risk much initially. It's like finally being chosen first when teams were picked for kickball in elementary school. And they can certainly play the role from the start of a well adjusted, open and emotionally mature person... fooling us. We sometimes think we finally found a person who we can connect with. They soon show the red flags of abuse and being emotionally stunted but our approach is such that we don't set the boundaries quite forcefully enough or follow our instincts that tell us this person is toxic. We can't just "give up" on someone so soon. That would be cruel. After all, we were brought up to put others first and our own needs last. And the PD will perpetuate our self doubt through ambient abuse and self esteem depleting words. So we muddle on hoping to break through to this person who has all these walls built up to protect them. Things just get worse as we continue to pound on this brick wall. We end up staying in the relationship long enough to have it wear on and scar us emotionally. Whereas another type would say "see ya!" after the first couple crazy, irrational outbursts and silent treatments.